Thanks, Louis, I sure wish it were warmer.

You have never seen anything like this in your life. So painful, yet so funny at the same time. And it is ABSOLUTELY REAL.

good work

Well folks, it looks like we have a new King of the Douchebags. Today, some jackass decided he wanted to kill himself. So he drove his car onto some railroad tracks and waited for the train to arrive. Except before the train got there he had a change of heart and decided life was worth living after all. Except the asshole left his car sitting on the railroad tracks. The train slammed into the car, of course with the driver safely out of the area, and derailed, smashing into two other trains and killing ten people and injuring 200 more. Verrrrrrry impressive. So, for a quick recap, this retard wanted to kill one person. He ended up killing ten, none of which were the intended target. And now he's being charged with homicide. Good luck getting off on that one buddy. You should have just stayed in the car. Because now, not only does everyone in the world think you're one of the worst people ever, you're gonna be on suicide watch and you're not gonna be able to kill yourself even if you want to. But they will have to guard you closely because who knows how many innocent bystanders might go down the next time.

I did some investigating of the guy's house, and found a list he had made of other possible ways he could kill himself. This is how it read:

Possible Suicide Methods

1. Park car on train tracks and wait for train to barrel into me.
2. While on a commercial flight, open the door you're not supposed to open and get sucked out.
3. Play Laser Tag, but switch everyone's lasers out for real guns except mine.
4. Randomly fire bullets straight up into the air, hoping one of them comes straight back down and hits me in the head.
5. Burn down all grocery stores and restaurants so I can't get any more food and starve to death.
   
6. Detonate nuclear bomb inside my house.
7. Have sex with Magic Johnson
   

my favorite things

If Oprah can have a show dedicated to her favorite things, then I'm gonna have a post detailing all of MY favorite things. The difference would be that Oprah's favorites are GAY and mine are NOT GAY.

favorite tv show: MacGyver

favorite paper: college-ruled notebook

favorite mountain (non-volcanic): Aconcagua

favorite volcano: Kilimanjaro

favorite SCH- word: schwas

favorite president: Coolidge

favorite description for soup: creamy goodness

favorite thing to make stuff out of: material

favorite way to do things: like a mo fo

favorite televangelist: Ernest Angley

favorite guy with huge ears: Ernest Angley

favorite name for an unidentified corpse: John Doe

favorite tractor: John Deere

favorite letter: Dear John

favorite junk email: Enlarge your penis

favorite non-junk email: Enlarge your penis

favorite Michael Jackson: the one who used to play wide receiver for the Browns

favorite Happy Days character: Ralph Malph

favorite bodily ache: sore toe

favorite captain: Planet

favorite planet: of the Apes

I am one annoying bastard

This is my favorite IM conversation ever. It's from about two years ago. I was talking to Dave, my roommate at the time, who is two rooms away from me, while he is working on an important assignment. Also, FYI, Emily (who is mentioned below) is not a real person. She doesn't exist - Dave made her up.

BishopDMagicJuan: hey
DRob110: hey
BishopDMagicJuan: what's up?
DRob110: not much
BishopDMagicJuan: studying?
DRob110: talking to my brother
DRob110: and doing my map
BishopDMagicJuan: jackness?
DRob110: uh huh
BishopDMagicJuan: tell jackness i said hello
DRob110: I did
BishopDMagicJuan: and that he should consider changing his name
DRob110: it's too late for that
BishopDMagicJuan: maybe to jacketry or jackitude or just plain old jack
DRob110: there are lots of variations
DRob110: jackification
DRob110: that's one
BishopDMagicJuan: maybe jackology or jackonomy or jackometry
BishopDMagicJuan: or walter
BishopDMagicJuan: or wanker
DRob110: I'll tell him
BishopDMagicJuan: ok
BishopDMagicJuan: how's the map coming?
DRob110: slow but sure
BishopDMagicJuan: what kind of map is it?
DRob110: geology of Ohio
DRob110: chloropleth
BishopDMagicJuan: drainage basins?
DRob110: nope
BishopDMagicJuan: rocks?
DRob110: yup
BishopDMagicJuan: minerals?
DRob110: yes
BishopDMagicJuan: limestone?
DRob110: no!! it's bedrock
BishopDMagicJuan: sandstone?
DRob110: bedrock
BishopDMagicJuan: basalt?
DRob110: see above
BishopDMagicJuan: what sort of rock is bedrock?
DRob110: old
BishopDMagicJuan: yeah but what kind is it?
BishopDMagicJuan: what type?
DRob110: Permain
DRob110: Pennsylvanian
BishopDMagicJuan: oh
BishopDMagicJuan: i've never heard of that
DRob110: Devonian
BishopDMagicJuan: is that kinda like granite?
DRob110: Mississippian
DRob110: Silurian
BishopDMagicJuan: is it sedimentary or metamorphic or igneous?
DRob110: Ordovician
BishopDMagicJuan: crimean?
DRob110: nope
BishopDMagicJuan: jurassic?
DRob110: these are ages
BishopDMagicJuan: mesozoic?
DRob110: nope
BishopDMagicJuan: amphibian?
BishopDMagicJuan: so what else is going on?
DRob110: stuff
BishopDMagicJuan: like what?
BishopDMagicJuan: how's emily?
DRob110: she's telling me to get my work done so we can play
BishopDMagicJuan: has she ever met jackness?
DRob110: nope
BishopDMagicJuan: what do you mean play?
DRob110: make out
BishopDMagicJuan: she has nice tits
DRob110: I know
BishopDMagicJuan: and ass
BishopDMagicJuan: i want to screw your girlfriend, dave
BishopDMagicJuan: why doesn't it tell me when you're typing?
DRob110: I ahve an old version
DRob110: and I'm not typing
BishopDMagicJuan: yeah but i have a new version
DRob110: I don't
BishopDMagicJuan: yes you are how else are you talking to me?
DRob110: I don't havea mic
BishopDMagicJuan: can you hear me?
DRob110: I can hear you though
BishopDMagicJuan: cooool
DRob110: I'll cut off your cock
BishopDMagicJuan: that's not gonna work for me
BishopDMagicJuan: finger or ear would be better
BishopDMagicJuan: even leg
BishopDMagicJuan: if you really have to, you can take one ball
BishopDMagicJuan: the right one preferrably
BishopDMagicJuan: that way i can still say "suck my left nut"
BishopDMagicJuan: even though i never say that
BishopDMagicJuan: map done yet?
DRob110: not even close
DRob110: thank you
BishopDMagicJuan: geez, you're slow
BishopDMagicJuan: oh, am i bothering you?
DRob110: you aren't helping
BishopDMagicJuan: sorry i apologize
BishopDMagicJuan: i bet jackness is bothering you too
BishopDMagicJuan: he's such a turd
BishopDMagicJuan: i haven't met him
BishopDMagicJuan: is he a turd?
BishopDMagicJuan: phone ringing
BishopDMagicJuan: for me?
DRob110: no
BishopDMagicJuan: for you?
DRob110: +
BishopDMagicJuan: is it . . . . emily? can i talk to her?!
BishopDMagicJuan: tell her to yell into the phone and i'll put it up to my balls to feel the vibrations
BishopDMagicJuan: don't worry i'll use my phone
BishopDMagicJuan: dave
BishopDMagicJuan: dave?
BishopDMagicJuan: that's it i'm coming over there

No wonder Dave moved to St. Louis. It was to get away from me.

exerpts from my now-defunct buddy profile

BEST QUOTES EVER

LENNY: So I hear we're going to Ape Island
CARL: Yeah, to capture a giant ape. I wish we were going to Candy Apple Island.
GUY: Candy Apple Island? What do they got there?
CARL: Apes . . . but they're not so big.

LITTLE JOHN: A toll is a toll . . . and a roll is a roll. And if we don't get no tolls, then we don't eat no rolls.

DAVE: It's 11:00 in the afternoon.

GEORGE: $13,000?
JERRY: $13,000.
GEORGE: Apiece?
JERRY: No, for both.
GEORGE: That's insulting! Ted Danson makes 800,000 dollars an episode.
JERRY: Oh, would you stop it with the Ted Danson
GEORGE: Well, he does.
JERRY: You're nuts.
GEORGE: I'm sorry, I can't live knowing that Ted Danson makes that much more than me. Who's he?
JERRY: He's somebody.
GEORGE: What about me?
JERRY: You're nobody.
GEORGE: Why him? Why not me?
JERRY: He's good. You're not.
GEORGE: I'm better than him.
JERRY: You're worse . . . much, much worse.

You're not gonna want to hear this . . .

I hate these Olive Garden commercials where the guy, instead of saying "my father" or "my grandmother," has to preface those words with "Italian." So he calls his father, "my Italian father." Who says that??? Either this guy is an idiot, or he has a few other fathers running around, and he has to distinguish between them by pointing out their places of origin. Yeah, my Italian father likes the Olive Garden, but my British father still lives over in England, and my French father is a homosexual and wants me to call him "mother."

I've had just about enough of that talking gecko.

I would go to McDonald's way more often if they sold Beef McNuggets.

Papa John looks like he's about 40 years old. Have you seen him on the commercials? And his pizza place has been around for over 20 years. What I want to know is, who the hell gave him the nickname "Papa."

You know, if you close your eyes, Advils taste a little like candy.

A word to the wise: If you are in a small room full of people, for an extended period of time, with little or no ventilation, that is probably not the best time and place for you to be making yourself tuna fish.

When I die, I want my tombstone to read, "Here lies Brad Boehm . . . Eh, he was a dick."

I'm getting sick and tired of the grippy stuff on the straps of backpacks. "This pack won't slip off your shoulders!" I've got a newsflash for you - if your shoulders are at such an angle that you're having problems keeping your pack on, you don't have backpack problems. You have shoulder problems. Perhaps you should be seeking help from a chiropractor rather than Eastpak.

If you called a suicide hotline, pretended to be suicidal, then asked the girl you were talking to out on a date, she would have to say yes, wouldn't she?

If I had a racehorse, I would name him "Glue If He Loses," just to give him some incentive. You know?

If I won the lottery, I'd give half to my family, half to my friends, and keep the other half.

If I were a professional wrestler, my stage name would be "Rathbone, the AIDS-infected wrestler who bleeds very easily."

I don't get it. So is Jefferson Airplane the same as Jefferson Starship? And is Jefferson Starship the same as Starship? I'm confused. And who's Jefferson?

I hate, when people use, unnecessary commas and apostrophe's, not to mention inappropriate punctuation?

The Juice's Daughter?

Apparently Orenthal J. Simpsons's daughter has been arrested for disorderly conduct. That is such a shock to me. Her dad is such a calm and peaceful guy, I don't know where she could have learned that such behavior is acceptable. I mean, I only remembering him committing one double murder. And one is almost zero. So how could a guy who has committed almost no double murders have a daughter that is so out of control? Kids today, man. I'm telling you . . .

what's in a name?

I believe that people should be grouped together into categories based on their first names. Which category do you fit into?

Category 1: People who are missing a letter in their name. This is generally a duplicate letter that has been inexplicably left out. The pronunciations of these names must be as if the missing letter was actually present. Some famous examples of Category 1 people are:

Tedy Bruschi (Teddy), linebacker for the New England Patriots
Wily Mo Pena (Willy), outfielder for the Cincinnati Reds
Jimy Williams (Jimmy), former big league manager with the Boston Red Sox and Houston Astros

Of course, to make fun of these people, pronounce their names as we would if we didn't know better (Teedy, Wiley Mo, Jymy).

Category 2: These are folks whose parents misspelled their names on their birth certificates. When making fun of these people, it's always great to make fun of how stupid their parents are. How could you spell your kid's name wrong? Retards. Some famous examples of Category 2 people are:

Oprah Winfrey (Orpah, a biblical name), one of the most famous television personalities in the world. I guess her parents being as dumb as a box of rocks didn't hurt her too much.
Jhonny Peralta (Johnny, of course), shortstop for the Cleveland Indians. This is just stupid.
Laveranues Coles (I'm not really sure how it was supposed to be spelled, but I KNOW it wasn't like that), wide receiver for the Washington Redskins. If you're going to make up a name for your kid, you should probably at least spell it like it's pronounced. In case you've never heard his name before, it's pronounced "Lavernius."

(more categories to come, I don't have time now)

man alive!

I'm really getting aggravated with people saying "man alive." Maybe it's a southern Ohio thing, I'm not really sure. On the off-chance that you haven't heard it, or that you don't say it yourself, it's used as an exclamation, such as "man alive! there are a lot of people here!" Or, "man alive, boy! I'm going to kick yer ass." The only time I want to hear somebody say that is if there are rescue workers searching through some rubble and one of them says "we've got a man alive down here!" I would also prefer that you didn't say, "jiminy freakin' christmas," but I only know one person who says that. And I don't think he can read anyway. If you must express surprise, shock, anger, et cetera, please choose from the list I have provided below.

Acceptable terms:
Jesus Christ on a crutch!
Dude!
What the . . . hell?!
Uhhhhhhh . . .
Jesus Tapdancing Christ
HOLY FUCKING MOSES!
Gee willickers

I'm really getting tired of this whole rubber bracelet thing. I'll admit it, I wear one. BUT, I was the FIRST PERSON IN THE WORLD to do it - kinda like I was the first person in the world to call jewelry "bling." It started off with just the yellow LiveStrong bracelets, but it has quickly spiraled out of control. The other day I saw one that said Poop Fishermen. Honestly people, I think that's where we should draw the line.

Speaking of bracelets, at least it seems that the What Would Jesus Do bracelet phenomenon has calmed down, although I still see them from time to time. But I have to ask myself, would anybody really be stupid enough to base all of their life decisions on whether Jesus would do it or not? I can just see it now . . . Some idiot approaching a river . . . "Hmm, I really need to cross this river. Normally, I would walk down to that bridge and cross, but if Jesus were here, what would he do? I bet he'd just walk right across the water." Really smart thinking. Very impressive. However, I prefer my WWRTSBDWASLCAWAMAFSRILGMABMTODD bracelet. That's my What Would Ralph The Substitute Bus Driver Who Always Smells Like Cheese And Wears A Miniskirt And For Some Reason I Let Give Me A Back Massage The Other Day Do bracelet. Of course, whenever I'm wearing that bracelet and I'm faced with a dilemma, the only decision I come to is to pick my nose and eat it. But still, it's better than drowning in an icy river, isn't it?????

I recently read a list of the most popular baby names for the year 2004. That list included the following boys names: Aiden, Caden, Jayden, Hayden and Addison. I urge you, if you find any babies out there with any of these names, do them a favor. SHAKE THEM! Then kill their parents. The same goes for the baby girls with the following names: Madison, Chloe, Hayley, Riley, Bailey, Isabella, Cadence, and Aaliyah. Parents, this just has to stop. What happened to the days of Jimmy and Billy and Bobby and Mary and Sarah and Jane? Those were NAMES. This new crap either makes the kid sound like a total pussy (boys' names) or a dog (girls' names). As a good will gesture towards mankind, I am willing to volunteer my services to fix this problem. The solution is simple. Every child born in this country should be named Rathbone. How badass of a name is Rathbone? RATHBONE! Don't forget your lunch. RATHBONE! Do your homework. RATHBONE! Rathbone called for you. Plus, as an added bonus, in about 100 years everybody in the country will be named Rathbone. Then we can change the name from The United States of America to the United States of Rathbone. Or The United Rathbones of America. Or The Rathbone States of America. Or simply Rathbone. But I want all of my friends to see to it that my Rathbone plan for this country is carried out. I will be running for president in the future on the Rathbone platform. So, remember, in 2020, vote RATHBONE FOR PRES.

www.bigbadbabynames.com

purposefulnessity

The point of this blog is to share my opinions on whatever aspects of life I feel like criticizing. It is not my goal, as is the case with some others, to expound upon the mundane aspects of every daily activity. For example: "I went to school today. It sucked." Or: "My friend is coming in from out of town this weekend. Hooray." This blog is supposed to be entertaining, and perhaps a little bit educational. But since nobody really reads this right now, I'm not going to break my back trying to come up with something to say every day. When I've got something, I'll post it.

So today I ran into the woman from Ricky Martin's "Livin' La Vida Loca." What Ricky apparently fails to mention in the song, is that when you DO take your clothes off and go dancin' in the rain, she has you arrested.

What's the deal with the huge variations in sneezing that occur from person to person? Some people sneeze so quietly, you can barely hear them. While others could block out the sound from a 747 half a block away. I guess it's just one of nature's puzzles.

http://www.fcbarcelona.com/eng/jugadores/baloncesto/biografia_7.shtml

the beginning

Welcome to my blog. I'm glad you decided to join me. Trust me, you want to read this. You NEED to read this. It's kinda like breathing. If you don't do it . . . something happens . . . probably bad . . . well whatever. As you've probably noticed, I really like using ellipses (. . .). Here are some other things I really like using: Miracle Whip, low-octane gasoline, and leaves (instead of toilet paper). On the other hand, I HATE parentheses. If I see one parenthesis, I'll just freak out. Anyway, on to business . . .

Some thoughts of the day:

I went to the dentist the other day. Man, if I always brushed my teeth as well as I do before I go to the dentist, I would never actually have to go.

Speaking of brushing my teeth, I don't understand why I brush with my right hand yet I pick my nose with my left. Does everyone else have a specific hand that they pick their nose with or am I alone on this?

I really need to change my last name. The right last name can mean everything for you. After watching Congressman Patrick Kennedy (D-RI) in a video in Elections and Campaigns, i'm convinced that he's one of the biggest doofuses in the country. What a freakin' goof. But he could walk around town naked and take dumps on the sidewalk and he would still get elected by a landslide because he's a Kennedy.

Ashlee Simpson's performance at Halftime of the Orange Bowl is one for the history books. Best thing I ever saw, hands down. If they ever had a contest on who's voice could crack the most while "singing," she'd be the World Champion, with William Hung a distant second.

What's the deal with guys who have to tuck their shirts in ALL THE TIME. No matter what they're doing, that shirt has got to be tucked into those pants. Hell, they even do it if it's underwear and a t-shirt.

Speaking of shirts, this Nick guy at basketball has worn what would seem to be the exact same bright yellow shirt every single time he has played. Subsequently, two questions spring to mind. One - is it actually the same shirt, or does he have a closet full of them like Superman? And two - if it is the same shirt, does he wash it? My nose wonders what the answer is to that second question.

Advice of the week:

You're stupid. The sooner you realize it, the sooner we can all get on with our lives. You know who you are. I'm not sure if that counts as advice though.



On a side note, this blog was started because Dan Whitmyer and Mrs. Megan Moore needed something to read while at work to help them while away the hours. So if you have a problem with it, take it up with them, and not with me. Because I'll kill you, and they (probably) won't.