exerpts from my now-defunct buddy profile

BEST QUOTES EVER

LENNY: So I hear we're going to Ape Island
CARL: Yeah, to capture a giant ape. I wish we were going to Candy Apple Island.
GUY: Candy Apple Island? What do they got there?
CARL: Apes . . . but they're not so big.

LITTLE JOHN: A toll is a toll . . . and a roll is a roll. And if we don't get no tolls, then we don't eat no rolls.

DAVE: It's 11:00 in the afternoon.

GEORGE: $13,000?
JERRY: $13,000.
GEORGE: Apiece?
JERRY: No, for both.
GEORGE: That's insulting! Ted Danson makes 800,000 dollars an episode.
JERRY: Oh, would you stop it with the Ted Danson
GEORGE: Well, he does.
JERRY: You're nuts.
GEORGE: I'm sorry, I can't live knowing that Ted Danson makes that much more than me. Who's he?
JERRY: He's somebody.
GEORGE: What about me?
JERRY: You're nobody.
GEORGE: Why him? Why not me?
JERRY: He's good. You're not.
GEORGE: I'm better than him.
JERRY: You're worse . . . much, much worse.

You're not gonna want to hear this . . .

I hate these Olive Garden commercials where the guy, instead of saying "my father" or "my grandmother," has to preface those words with "Italian." So he calls his father, "my Italian father." Who says that??? Either this guy is an idiot, or he has a few other fathers running around, and he has to distinguish between them by pointing out their places of origin. Yeah, my Italian father likes the Olive Garden, but my British father still lives over in England, and my French father is a homosexual and wants me to call him "mother."

I've had just about enough of that talking gecko.

I would go to McDonald's way more often if they sold Beef McNuggets.

Papa John looks like he's about 40 years old. Have you seen him on the commercials? And his pizza place has been around for over 20 years. What I want to know is, who the hell gave him the nickname "Papa."

You know, if you close your eyes, Advils taste a little like candy.

A word to the wise: If you are in a small room full of people, for an extended period of time, with little or no ventilation, that is probably not the best time and place for you to be making yourself tuna fish.

When I die, I want my tombstone to read, "Here lies Brad Boehm . . . Eh, he was a dick."

I'm getting sick and tired of the grippy stuff on the straps of backpacks. "This pack won't slip off your shoulders!" I've got a newsflash for you - if your shoulders are at such an angle that you're having problems keeping your pack on, you don't have backpack problems. You have shoulder problems. Perhaps you should be seeking help from a chiropractor rather than Eastpak.

If you called a suicide hotline, pretended to be suicidal, then asked the girl you were talking to out on a date, she would have to say yes, wouldn't she?

If I had a racehorse, I would name him "Glue If He Loses," just to give him some incentive. You know?

If I won the lottery, I'd give half to my family, half to my friends, and keep the other half.

If I were a professional wrestler, my stage name would be "Rathbone, the AIDS-infected wrestler who bleeds very easily."

I don't get it. So is Jefferson Airplane the same as Jefferson Starship? And is Jefferson Starship the same as Starship? I'm confused. And who's Jefferson?

I hate, when people use, unnecessary commas and apostrophe's, not to mention inappropriate punctuation?