man alive!

I'm really getting aggravated with people saying "man alive." Maybe it's a southern Ohio thing, I'm not really sure. On the off-chance that you haven't heard it, or that you don't say it yourself, it's used as an exclamation, such as "man alive! there are a lot of people here!" Or, "man alive, boy! I'm going to kick yer ass." The only time I want to hear somebody say that is if there are rescue workers searching through some rubble and one of them says "we've got a man alive down here!" I would also prefer that you didn't say, "jiminy freakin' christmas," but I only know one person who says that. And I don't think he can read anyway. If you must express surprise, shock, anger, et cetera, please choose from the list I have provided below.

Acceptable terms:
Jesus Christ on a crutch!
Dude!
What the . . . hell?!
Uhhhhhhh . . .
Jesus Tapdancing Christ
HOLY FUCKING MOSES!
Gee willickers

I'm really getting tired of this whole rubber bracelet thing. I'll admit it, I wear one. BUT, I was the FIRST PERSON IN THE WORLD to do it - kinda like I was the first person in the world to call jewelry "bling." It started off with just the yellow LiveStrong bracelets, but it has quickly spiraled out of control. The other day I saw one that said Poop Fishermen. Honestly people, I think that's where we should draw the line.

Speaking of bracelets, at least it seems that the What Would Jesus Do bracelet phenomenon has calmed down, although I still see them from time to time. But I have to ask myself, would anybody really be stupid enough to base all of their life decisions on whether Jesus would do it or not? I can just see it now . . . Some idiot approaching a river . . . "Hmm, I really need to cross this river. Normally, I would walk down to that bridge and cross, but if Jesus were here, what would he do? I bet he'd just walk right across the water." Really smart thinking. Very impressive. However, I prefer my WWRTSBDWASLCAWAMAFSRILGMABMTODD bracelet. That's my What Would Ralph The Substitute Bus Driver Who Always Smells Like Cheese And Wears A Miniskirt And For Some Reason I Let Give Me A Back Massage The Other Day Do bracelet. Of course, whenever I'm wearing that bracelet and I'm faced with a dilemma, the only decision I come to is to pick my nose and eat it. But still, it's better than drowning in an icy river, isn't it?????

I recently read a list of the most popular baby names for the year 2004. That list included the following boys names: Aiden, Caden, Jayden, Hayden and Addison. I urge you, if you find any babies out there with any of these names, do them a favor. SHAKE THEM! Then kill their parents. The same goes for the baby girls with the following names: Madison, Chloe, Hayley, Riley, Bailey, Isabella, Cadence, and Aaliyah. Parents, this just has to stop. What happened to the days of Jimmy and Billy and Bobby and Mary and Sarah and Jane? Those were NAMES. This new crap either makes the kid sound like a total pussy (boys' names) or a dog (girls' names). As a good will gesture towards mankind, I am willing to volunteer my services to fix this problem. The solution is simple. Every child born in this country should be named Rathbone. How badass of a name is Rathbone? RATHBONE! Don't forget your lunch. RATHBONE! Do your homework. RATHBONE! Rathbone called for you. Plus, as an added bonus, in about 100 years everybody in the country will be named Rathbone. Then we can change the name from The United States of America to the United States of Rathbone. Or The United Rathbones of America. Or The Rathbone States of America. Or simply Rathbone. But I want all of my friends to see to it that my Rathbone plan for this country is carried out. I will be running for president in the future on the Rathbone platform. So, remember, in 2020, vote RATHBONE FOR PRES.

www.bigbadbabynames.com