driving in my car
Some thoughts I had while driving home from the new year's celebration:
If I can't see my headlights reflecting in the back of your car when I'm behind you, your car is too damn dirty. Get a freakin' car wash. This is where my invention, the electronic bumper sticker, would come in very handy. Pass them, pull in front of them, and program your bumper sticker to say "CAR NEEDS A WASH."
Hey, remember that time I was driving and we were next to that van with the family in it, and the woman in the passenger's seat had her feet up on the dashboard so I put my foot up on the dashboard too, then she flicked me off and she had a car full of kids? Remember that? Man that was awesome. How about that time we were stuck at that stop light in Lancaster and we were across from Long John Silver's and I asked that kid who was walking in to bring me a hush puppy? That was awesome, too.
When I'm driving in my car down the highway, I just can't keep my finger out of my nose. Even when the mine has been tapped dry, I just start picking away at the walls. There's nothing I can do. You ever try to pick your nose and drive with the same hand? It's pretty tough. You gotta put your face way up by the steering wheel, then when you wanna turn you have to move your whole head, and if you have to make a really sharp turn you could end up upside-down, pressing the pedals with your other hand and navigating by your ass.
I better die before all my friends do. What if I live till I'm like 90 or 100? That would suck. Then that means I would have had to go to all of my friends' funerals. Hell, there's probably a 5 to 10 year period in there where I'd be going to funerals at least once a month. Then when I die last, there will be nobody at my funeral who I actually knew when I was "alive," or at least when I was the good part of alive. Do you know how much work it would be to go to all those funerals? I mean, damn, I'm not made of money. Yeah, I need to die first - all my friends will have to come to MY funeral. You get chauffeured around the whole time, then everybody comes to see you - you don't have to move a damn inch. I mean, if I die when I'm 100, who's gonna give my eulogy? My nursing home attendant? Give me a break. Even if I had kids, which I won't, they're probably all dead already anyway.
When are they finally gonna have these automated highways like they've been talking about for years? I have things to do when I'm in the car, and driving makes them really hard. Do you have any idea how hard it is to drive and bite your toenails at the same time? Very. You know what else would be a good idea? A seat with a built-in toilet.