channel flipping

I'm sure this has happened to all of us. You're sitting alone one evening, flipping through the channels to find something to watch. Eventually, you come across one of those "I'll watch it if it's on" movies on TBS or some similar channel. It's a halfway decent movie, but nothing too special. Say, for example, Speed. So you're sitting there watching it for, oh, ten minutes or so, starting to get into it, and you see that it's going to commercial. You think to yourself, "That's fine, it'll be back on in a couple minutes." But, OH NO. It's NOT going to commercial. It's going to some goddamn television studio. Oh shit--it's your worst nightmare. Dave Holmes walks out onto your television screen. Yes, the same Dave Holmes who was too much of a dork even for that channel of losers, MTV (which is the second worst channel on television, next to VH1, but that's a story for another entry). He begins to explain how they accomplished the stunts in the subway scene, and you begin to bawl uncontrollably. This is the worst thing that could possibly happened, short of seeing RuPaul. You think to yourself, "Why?? Why must they do this to me?" You would rather put your testicles in a vise than listen to Dave Holmes speak (or the equivalent pain if you're a female, whatever that may be).

Is there anybody on the PLANET that would rather watch this movie with Dave Holmes butting in every ten minutes to explain some stupid crap about the movie you don't care about and he knows nothing about? Is there anybody out there who says "Oh damn, I gotta watch that Dave Holmes Interruption movie tonight. Normally I wouldn't watch it, but that Dave Holmes is so interesting and insightful, and he's not a huge dork at all."

This is not a knock on Dave Holmes. Well, yes it is. But it is more a knock on television stations that find it necessary to insert hosts and stupid gimmicks into otherwise-fine movies to make them nearly unbearable. There are other such shows, like Dinner and a Movie, or Makeover and a Movie, etc. etc. etc. They all make you contemplate suicide. Memo to TBS and every other channel that does this shit: the movies are better without your garbage. If that crap actually improved the movie, they would put it in the theatrical release. I can't imagine Movie Voiceover Guy ever doing a trailer that sounds like this: "From Director John Singleton - On the streets of Los Angeles, crime is a way of life. Murder happens everyday. But after the drive-by shooting of his son, one man is fighting back. And he is fighting any way he can. And while he is, another man is teaching you how to make a southwestern omelet. Wesley Snipes. Ice Cube. Dave Holmes. COME GET YA OMELET. Rated R. Starts Friday at theaters everywhere."