Tuesday, July 19, 2005

I shall call you . . . EDUARDO.

Some people are gay. But why are they gay? Some say it's a choice. Others say it's for genetic reasons. Still others say that it's a product of their environments. Well, I don't claim to know all the answers. But I am here to offer at least a partial explanation. If you're gay, there's a good chance that it's at least partially your parents' fault. How? It's not because of the way they treated you, or because your mom accidentally bought you culottes and made you wear them when you were a kid because she thought they were shorts. And it's not because of all those bananas and bomb pops they made you eat. It's because of the name they gave you. That's right. I'm a firm believer that a name can carry great weight when it comes to determining sexual orientation. For example, if your parents name you Chris, you're probably quite a well-adjusted person. But if your parents named you Kris, with a K, that might cause your life to be somewhat altered. When parents take the liberty of adjusting the spelling of an otherwise normal name, they may unwittingly be wreaking havoc on that child's future. At age 15, Kris writes in his diary (because Kris needs a diary, and yes a diary, not a journal): "Dear Diary, I've been going through some issues lately. Why, oh, why did my parents name me Kris with a K? I don't understand it. How could they do something like that to me? On a COMPLETELY UNRELATED note, I brought my new "friend" home from school today to meet mother. His name is Robbi with an i. He's on the soccer team. Today in gym, I accidentally hit him in the butt with a ball and the teacher made me hold an ice pack on there until the swelling went down. It didn't go down for a loooong time . . . ." You see, parents? That name can make all the difference. There are certain names that you just need to stay away from. Another example would be the name Brayden. Come on, folks. If you name your kid Brayden, you may as well as name him Gay-den. You know what I'm saying? Just watch what you're doing, parents. Unless you want your kid to turn out gay . . . not that there's anything wrong with that.

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