You ARE too old

I recently viewed a list of things that you're "never too old to do." The list included things like "get skinny," "become a buff," and "habla espanol." All of those seem fine, I guess. At least they seem fine in comparison to these other ones that I have major problems with . . .

• Get a degree. There does come a point in your life when you are too old to get a degree. Generally speaking, if you're older than the professor, you're too old. If you're above 60 years old, and not TEACHING the class, I think it's time for your family to consider euthanasia. I'm 23 years old and I feel like I'm almost too old. For me, the sole purpose of the education process is to get that degree so I can get a somewhat lucrative job. The education really doesn't mean anything. But if you're like 60 years old, what are you going to use that degree for? Not dying? Come on. People place WAAAAY too much emphasis on the value of a college education. Sure, it may be worth a little bit, but when I see these people in some of my classes that look like they belong in a museum, and not a classroom, I just have to wonder what they are thinking. I guess when you're old, you get senile, and nothing you do really makes any sense anyway. College is supposed to put you on track for the rest of your life. When there is barely any of the rest of your life remaining, perhaps college is not the best option of a thing for you to do. Try knitting instead. Or whittling. Or play a nice game of chess with a partner in England through the mail. Or curse those damn kids and their skateboards.
• Have a kid. I have seen way too many stories recently about women having children in their 50s and 60s because of fertility treatments. This is quite distressing indeed. I don't know why anybody would want a kid in the first place. But if you really want one, I guess it's ok--but only until age 40. After that, any woman who even contemplates having a kid should have her head examined. Think about the kid. If you're 55 when you have a child, you're going to be well into your seventies, if you're still alive, by the time that child graduates high school, assuming he does graduate and doesn't drop out or kill himself by then because his mom is obscenely old. Chances are, you're gonna be dead by the time the kid is 25. I'm 23. My mom is 52. I can't even imagine what it would be like if she were 75 or 80. Pretty soon I would have to worry about taking her to the doctor or putting her in a nursing home. That's for people my mom's age to deal with. Not me. Plus, if you're mom is in her 50s or 60s when you're born, you're never gonna have a chance to have grandparents that will spoil you. That's what grandparents are for. Spoiling their grandchildren. It counteracts the effects of the tough love that your parents give you. So whether a woman can still be a good mother at an extremely old age, or whether she acts toward her child like a grandmother might, either way the kid is going to end up being unbalanced. It's like always eating vegetables, or always eating dessert, but never being able to have the other.
• Try Haggis. As far as I'm concerned, nobody should try haggis. It doesn't matter how old you are. I'll admit I've never tried it, and I never intend to. If you don't know what it is, you don't want to know. But I'll tell you anyway. It's a Scottish dish whose primary ingredients are heart, liver and lungs of a sheep, along with suet, oatmeal, onions and spices, and is boiled in the stomach of the animal. Sounds delightful, but no thanks. My parents always made me eat foods that I didn't like as a child. They said I would LEARN to like them. But guess what. I didn't. The only thing I like now that I didn't used to like is mustard, and that's ONLY in conjunction with ketchup. I still don't like tomatoes, Chinese food, squash, asparagus, coffee, yams and many other foods. Why keep eating a food if I don't like it? Who cares if I actually will develop a taste for it eventually? Why put myself through that torture in the meantime? There are plenty of foods out there for anybody. Stick with the ones you know and like. Broadening your horizons, as far as I'm concerned, does not apply to food. If you keep trying more and more foods, yes you probably will like some of them, but you'll also end up as big as a house.