it's a wonderful life
I'm back again after a long layoff. I'm going to try to post at least once a week, hopefully more, now that it looks like I probably have a job. But I just thought I'd share with you what I've been doing during my excruciatingly long layoff. So right now, let me lay out for you a typical day for me and the activities therein.
9 AM - Wake up, then fall back to sleep for an hour after realizing that there's not really anything to do once I am up.
10 AM - Finally make it out of bed, and out of the basement, up to the dining room table to read the sports sections of both the Plain Dealer and the Beacon Journal. Also, do the jumble. But not the Wuzzles. Wuzzles suck.
10:30 AM - Daydream for a while about a fictional episode of Law & Order: Criminal Intent in which Goren, having just gotten the suspect to confess to a crime even though the police had little incriminating evidence by knowing exactly how to push the suspect's buttons, sits back in his chair, looks over at Eames and says "BODY MASSAGE." Also think about how Eames is played by Kathryn Erbe, who also played Richard Dreyfuss's daughter in What About Bob? Baby step to four o'clock. Baby step to four o'clock!
11:30 AM - Take a shower, during which I sing "Under the Boardwalk" at least four times.
12 PM - Eat lunch. Banquet chicken nuggets. De-lish.
12:30 PM - Check my email, which usually includes something from the NFL, something from MLB, and a email or two from Blogger, telling me I have a new comment on my blog from a fine young gentleman advertising his very own blog for penis enlargement.
1 PM - Look for jobs on the internet and become extremely tempted to sign up for one of these "work from home" deals with a guaranteed 100,000 a year payoff.
2 PM - Go up to Tops and buy my (frozen) meals for the next few days. Meatloaf. Turkey. Pizza bagels. Sliced beef meal. Chicken fried steak meal. Refuse to get a bonus card once again, even though it would probably save me quite a bit of money, because it just seems like a pain in the ass. By the way, I'm pretty sure Banquet mashed potatoes are nothing more than crushed ice and dandruff, and maybe a little farina too.
3 PM - Play in a free online poker tournament, because that's all I can afford anymore. Maybe win fifty cents or so.
4 PM - Daydream a while longer about a hypothetical world in which a person never needs to take a dump and therefore has no butthole. Also about how butthole is an extremely underrated insult. Butthole. You know, it really should have been called Beavis and Butthole.
5 PM - Pass out from all the excitement.
6 PM - Eat dinner. Alphabet soup (one of the few things I'll eat that doesn't come straight out of the freezer and have a sodium content that would make even Luke run for the hills).
7 PM - Begin watching television, perhaps a sports program, perhaps CI or SVU.
10 PM - Go into my room and begin watching Futurama episodes that I illegally downloaded about 2 years ago and neglected to delete. Realize that I have now seen each episode 5-10 (and in some cases more) times and probably now know the show better than Seinfeld, which is a sad, sad state of affairs.
11 PM - Listen to Lewis Black's White Album or Mitch Hedberg's Strategic Grill Locations.
12 AM - Play in my second free poker tournament of the day, this time pretending that I'm really going to try to play well, and that I care when I lose chips. Of course this has no real effect, and I still call an all-in with QJ off-suit.
1 AM - Go to bed while listening to an extremely garbled repeat of The Jim Rome Show on WKNR on my clock radio. Wonder if tomorrow will be any different, and upon realizing that it won't, hit myself in the head with said radio.
So there you have it. That's the life I've been living for the past 4-5 months.
A side note - Remember that episode of Seinfeld where Elaine failed a drug test because she ate poppyseeds? Well, I have to take a drug test today for the job that I am trying to get, and I just realized that I ate some poppyseed muffins yesterday. So I may not have a job after all.