Thursday, March 31, 2005

ultimate price

Some people say that to give ones life is to pay the ultimate price. But I say the ultimate price is infinity dollars.

Wednesday, March 30, 2005

TURBO!

A thing I think would be great would be if every time someone farted, they got a turbo boost. Then not only would we be able to get around faster, there would be no more denying who did it. But would we get used to it after a while and would it just become normal, or would it maintain its hilarity time and time again? Because I want it to be just as funny each and every time as it was for me when I first thought of it. Ahh, these are the great questions of life.

Pope being fed through a tube in his nose.

VATICAN CITY, March 30 (Reuters) - Pope John Paul is being fed through a nasal tube in an effort to boost his strength and help his slow recovery from throat surgery, Vatican spokesman Joaquin Navarro-Valls said in a statement on Wednesday.

Pope is done for

I think it's about time we removed old Johnny's feeding tube, don't you? That's the way he would have wanted it.

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

Profound Musings

With Jack Handey's Deep Thoughts as inspiration, I present to you my Profound Musings.

Whenever I'm driving down a street, or through a parking lot, and I accidentally hit a parked car, I always make sure to be polite and leave a note. Usually it'll say something like, "Next time, it won't be your car. It'll be you."

Kids, if a stranger ever offers you a candy bar to get into his car with him, don't do it, and run home immediately. Unless it's a Payday. Then all bets are off.

If you kill a mermaid, does it count as murder or fishing? I say fishing. Let's hope the judge agrees with me.

If a dog starts to sniff your crotch, to get him to stop, try doing the same thing to him. Just make sure there's nobody with a camera around. Because if another dog sees that picture, he might get jealous.

If you decide to climb up to the roof of a tall building and try to fly off, remember that only small birds flap their wings quickly, and larger birds just glide around. So unless you're a midget, you better be gliding.

I think a funny trick would to to tell everyone that you're gay. You might need to do a little convincing. Then, after a few years when everyone has come to terms with it, tell them you were just kidding. It should be a good laugh.

If you see someone you know pretending to be homeless just to get free soup, it's probably best not to rat on him, because hey, that could be you someday.

If you see a lost little kid in a grocery store, tell him that his mom told you to tell him to stuff his pockets full of candy and run home as fast as he can.

One thing to do if you're bored is to call up a suicide help line. Tell the operator that you have nothing left to live for. When she tries to convince you otherwise, tell her that you were just joking, but talking to her is making you want to kill yourself for real. Then bang a spoon against the bottom of a pot, because through the phone it can sound like gunfire. Then leave the phone off the hook and run away. Also, make sure you do this at someone else's house.

I wish I could travel back to the year 1 BC in Israel and hypnotize everyone so that they would want to kill anyone named Jesus. Then that guy would get what's coming to him.

Whoever said that money doesn't buy happiness never met that hooker named Happiness.

Imagine what a terrible life it would be if we had lost the Revolutionary War. We would all be speaking English right now. And when they ran out of names for places, they would have probably just started reusing names from England with the word "new" in front. It's scary to even think about.