Will you open this for me?
Working in the stock room at Target, I get to have a look at nearly every product that comes through the store. And I gotta tell you, some of the stuff we sell is beyond ridiculous. But that, for once, is not Target's fault. Target only sells what people will buy. And the stuff people waste their money on is absolutely unbelievable. For example, we carry a handy litttle device called an automatic jar opener. That's right. It's an appliance that only has one use - opening jars. If you've ever spent money on an automatic jar opener, kill yourself. There's no way that anybody who's under 100 who should EVER have one of these devices. I don't care if you're a retard - the machine has got to be more complicated than the jar. And I don't care if you have arthritis - takes some goddamn Advil and suck it up. It's just a jar. You should be donating that money to charity if you're just going to throw it away like that. And who are these people that are opening so many jars that getting an automated device is worthwhile? What even comes in jars? Pickles, and that's pretty much it. So unless you're wolfing down about 10 jars of gherkins a day, get a life. So, the only people I can think of that would really buy an automatic jar opener are those buying them as gifts. But I can tell you this right now: if I ever, EVER got an automatic jar opener as a gift, I would throw it right back into the face the person who gave it to me, and I would say, "Luke, you are a goddamn moron!"
Also, how many different kinds of laundry detergent do there really need to be? I don't mean different brands, I mean different varieties of the same brand. I mean, there has got to be like twenty different types of Tide. But what pisses me off even more than that is all the different products there are to freshen the smell of the air in your home. I mean, was there ever a bigger waste of time? WHO BUYS THIS SHIT???? I know you've seen the commercials all over the television, but you have to be around this crap every day to truly appreciate how stupid it is. There are about 200,000,000 different products to make your house smell like something it's not supposed to. How about this Scent Stories thing? Have you seen this? It's this big electronic device that you put scent "discs" into, and it "plays" different smells. It has got to be the stupidest product on the market. How about you don't smear shit all over the walls of your house? I think that would be more effective in keeping it smelling nice. How are you supposed to explain that thing away to your guests? "Hey, Judy, what is this big thing taking up your entire end table?" "Oh, Bonnie, that's just my Scent Stories player. It's like a stereo, but it plays smells instead of music. One minute I'm frolicking a field of fresh flowers, the next I'm swirling and twirling through fresh laundry hanging on the clothesline in the back yard, and the next I'm standing next to the window where mom's apple pie is cooling on the ledge." "Uh, Judy . . . I'm out of here, you crazy bitch." So, in conclusion, to any of you who may be reading this, next time you go to the store, make sure a product is not the stupidest goddamn thing you've ever seen before you purchase it.