Why are you reading this?

Name: Brad

Location: Medina, Ohio, United States

Oh, where do I start? I was born in a log cabin in Kentucky. It was a hard life in the tobacco fields until one day I stumbled across a magic lamp. I rubbed it, and out came a genie. The genie did not speak English, however. Thinking he was granting me three wishes, I asked for a jillion dollars, to be president of the universe, and for a grape soda, since I was really thirsty at the time. But apparently all that translates into something different in genie-ese or whatever language he was speaking, because he snapped his fingers and I wound up naked in the desert with nothing but my trusty blade. After subsisting on insects and cave water for months, I developed dysentery, shat my brains out and died. That's how I got to this life, at least according to my psychic advisor.

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