before i die

Before I die, I am determined to . . .

• Do the "penis in the popcorn" trick.
• Go out into the back yard, and have a friend throw my old compact discs into the air so I can shoot them with a shotgun.
• Tell someone that "the jig is up."
• Watch a bum fight.
• Participate in a bum fight.
• Lay some busters down with my strap.
• Kill Aaron Carter, Discovery Jones, Jared from Subway, and any living relatives of the guy who invented chopsticks.
• Acquire at least one bionic appendage.
• Sell my soul to the devil (perhaps in exchange for a bionic appendage).
• Form an REO Speedwagon tribute band.
• Assure that the epitaph on my tombstone reads "HERE LIES BRAD . . . EH, HE WAS A DICK."
• Invent the fartalyzer test as a new way to determine blood-alcohol content.
• Visit the Hundred Acre Woods.
• Eat at least one person.
• Coach the Arizona Cardinals to the Super Bowl and win.
• Play Russian Roulette.
• Pee off the top of a skyscraper.
• Become a hired goon.
• Gain Chinese citizenship.
• Become the first Chinese-American Supreme Court Chief Justice.
• Invent the name "Jimothy."
• Establish a Task Force.
• Try lobster.
• Achieve a sustained fusion reaction.
• Coin the term "monkify," meaning "to transform into a monkey." Or a monk I guess.
• Taste something that is magically delicious, not including Lucky Charms.
• Fly through a strange tunnel with many floating clocks all around that all say a different time on them.