Come and get it at Ponderosa

Who: Brad, Pittman, Kirby and Megan

What: a trip to the Ponderosa Steakhouse

Where: Athens, Ohio

When: last saturday

Why: Kirby and Brad thought it would be a good idea

Idea quality: extremely poor

What happened:

1. Kirby finds an extra spoon wrapped up in his napkin. Only this spoon looks as if it is something Grandma Maude brought in from home. Kirby eats with it anyway.
2. The adjacent table fills up with twice as many people as it is designed for. The baby, of course, has the most room.
   
3. Kirby is brought a dinner platter with his meal on it. Only half of his meal is missing. "Whoops," said the waitress. "Did you have fries with that?" Indeed he did. "I forgot to put them on the plate."
   
4. When her meal arrives, Megan is informed that the restaurant is "out of" baked potatoes. She is instead handed a coupon good for 20% off her next meal. Brad theorizes about a restaurant that never actually serves food, only coupons for following meals. Megan asks for fries instead of a baked potato. The waitress obliges and brings out some things resembling fries that appear to have been sitting out for several days. Kirby claims he "likes them that way." Kirby procedes to pick out one french fry from Megan's bowl and say, "this is the one I'm after." Kirby eats the fry. It is the only time during the meal that any of the diners get what they wanted.
5. The waitress returns to the table several times to ask how everything is. Pittman and Brad sit expressionless as their food has yet to be delivered. Brad wonders if he exists, or if he has somehow turned invisible, or if he has died and gone to hell.
6. They run out of plates at the buffet. Several patrons lord over the plate shelf like vultures, waiting for a dish to pounce on. Every once in a while an employee places one plate on the shelf, and a lucky patron is able to grab it and fill it with subpar foods.
7. Brad finally acquires a plate, and heads to the salad bar. Brad becomes stuck behind a mysterious old woman who fills her plate with absolutely every topping available. By the time she returns to her seat, her plate is heaping with at least six inches of her own special mix, called hundred-ingredient salad.
   
8. While at the salad bar, Kirby overhears an employee say that they're missing a steak and a steak tips meal, the exact meals that Pittman and Brad have been waiting for.
   
9. Finally the final two meals arrive to the table. Both plates feature baked potatoes. A puzzled Megan inquires with the waitress, who claims she was caught in between potato cycles, and while Pittman and Brad were forced to wait what seemed like an eternity for their meals, Megan was served hers with a partial explanation and a coupon. By Ponderosa logic, several times a day patrons are informed that the restaurant is "out of" baked potatoes with no further explanation.
10. Each of the three baked potatoes at the table are underdone. Perhaps they were cooked with an automobile cigarette lighter.
11. Brad's steak was supposed to be cooked medium. It looks quite delicious--that is, until he cuts into it, revealing a deep, royal purple. It would seem that this cow was not quite dead.
12. Kirby goes for dessert. He brings back what would appear to be some loose feces on a plate. Brad, in turn, sees it and decides he would like to try this "butt pie." It is, indeed, the best part of his meal. But then again, it was really the only part of his meal
13. The group leaves a combined tip in the neighborhood of three dollars. They all die a little inside from the experience.