I find it very irritating that I have to come up with a title every time

I've done quite a bit of newspaper reading in my day. And, I'll admit, 90% of that is from the sports page. So I don't know if this applies to all other sections that a more well-rounded individual might read, but I can only assume that it does. What I am talking about is these advertisers that try to pass off an advertisement as an actual story from the paper. Do you know what I'm talking about? It's really very amusing. It'll usually be on one of the last pages in the section, maybe with some high school sports scores or something. There will be a border around it with bold letters that say "ADVERTISEMENT," because there really are people out there who are stupid enough to think that it is an actual story. It's also in a different or smaller font than the rest of the paper as well. Even with the admission that it is an advertisement, I'm sure that fact is still lost on some of the more dim-witted of us--because if it didn't work, they wouldn't do it. The "story" will be complete with a realistic-sounding title, such as "New lure sure to make a splash" or some nonsense like that. There will even be a little picture of the author, just as they oftentimes have in actual articles in the paper. He'll always have some nickname too, to make him seem real, like Mike "Trout" Norris. There may even be a name for the "column," like "Outdoors with Oliver," or "Lakes and Forests with Trout Norris," or something of that ridiculous nature. There will, of course, be a dateline as well, and it will start out just like a real story, but things will soon take a terrible turn. Here is an example of what I'm talking about:

Austin, Texas - They've finally done it. Someone has come up with a way to catch fish that is not only extremely effective, but affordable. It's called the Magic Lure, and it's guaranteed to be the best bait you've ever used. I didn't believe it either at first, folks, but believe me, it really works. I took my rod and new Magic Lure out onto Lake Scott, and I caught twice as many fish as I ever had before. I caught enough to cook dinner for the whole family and even a few neighbors we invited over. They say that the secret is in the realistic movement caused by the patented DoubleTwist tail action that precisely simulates actual prey that these fish normally eat. With the Magic Lure, you can catch bass, catfish, perch, and many other types of fish that used to be so much more difficult. The Magic Lure - it's an angler's best friend.

Etc, etc, etc. You get the picture

If you fall for these advertisements, I'm shocked that you're even able to read in the first place. Well, if Trout Norris says it, it MUST be true. But honey, I've never even seen you fish before. Dear, don't argue with the Trout. He knows his stuff.

Go away, you bother me

I want to apologize to my faithful readers (there are about two of you, I think) for the lack of updates recently. I really have been busy lately. And to tell you the truth, I've become a bit disillusioned with my blog. I mean, what's the point? I write a few lines, maybe someone gets a laugh, but what does that all mean in the grand scheme of things? The answer is that I don't know. So here's an update.

If you know me, you'll know that I'm bothered a lot. Things bother me that other people don't even really think about. I think too many people just go through their lives and don't really think about the stuff they're doing. They're ignorant of the world around them, and ignorance is never good. Ignorance may be bliss, but it never solved any problems. Instead it creates them. Here are some examples of things that I don't like that you probably never really thought about:

• Riding horses. Have you ever thought about the horse? Do you think he wants your fat ass on top of him, with the saddle and all those straps and shit? How could that possibly benefit him in any way. Oh, you're gonna give him a carrot when it's over. Or some oats. Yum. Do me a favor. Next time I need a ride somewhere, let me hop on your back and you can run me around town. And I'll hook you up with a snack. But you better behave or I'll whip you. Horse racing is the worst form of this, because it's only done so people can make money off of it. Take a walk or get something with wheels.
• Having pets. When you're alone is when you should be getting your best thinking done, not playing around with an animal. Seriously, what's the point of a pet? All they do is eat your money. Dogs are dumb, cats are annoying, birds are more annoying, and caged rodents serve no purpose whatsoever. You're people. You should have people friends. Think about it. You have to feed your pet, clean up after it, train it, take it to the vet, get people to look after it while you're gone . . . how can it be worth it? The animal didn't ask to be your pet anyway.
• Cancer walks. I'm all for curing cancer (or whatever the disease may be). And I'm all for collecting money for it. Hell, if I actually had some money I would donate some of it. But what's with the walking? Get the money! Forget the walking! People should give you money because you're trying to cure cancer, not cuz you're gonna walk for miles on some track. It's all about massaging people's pathetic egos to make them feel like they're actually doing something. The money is what they need. Not the walking. Hold a fundraising event. Sell stuff door to door. Ask for donations. Do what you gotta do. But lose the walking, and any other unnecessary, unproductive activity.

Some other thoughts of the day:

There are way too many caveman-like people walking around out there. I swear that about one out of every twenty people is a Neanderthal. Prominent brow, protruding jaw, lack of mental capacity, ogreish appearance. Next time you're walking down a busy street, especially in a downtown area of a big city, take a look around you. I guarantee you notice a few troglodytes out there.

In other strange appearance news, what's with these people who look like they just saw the greatest thing they've ever seen ALL THE TIME. You must know a person or two like this. Huge eyes that are always wide open, grouper-like mouth agape, always smiling.

Ok that's it for now. I'm gonna try to get another update or two on here this weekend, but don't count on it. I have to look at some recent news stories and see if any of them are worth commenting on.

Why the South sucks

I read a horrible article today that said a school in Alabama that had been named after Nathan Bedford Forrest is being renamed. In case you're unaware, Nathan Bedford Forrest was the FOUNDER OF KU KLUX KLAN. Also, the school's population is 35% black. Shit like this makes me wish that when the southern states seceded from the union, we should have just said "to hell with 'em" and let them go. How could any school be named after Nathan Bedford Forrest???? It boggles the mind. That's like naming a school after Adolf Hitler. "Hello everybody. I just want to let you know that the name of the school in no way reflects the environment we want to have here. We're all about acceptance of all people here at Hitler High. But we ain't changin' the name."

I want some grape drink, baby

I've been spending a lot of time by myself lately, studying and whatnot. And when I spend so much time alone, things start to mess with my head. Any time I feel a tingle or itch on my leg I always think there's a bug on me. It's really tough in the dark. The thing is, the chances of it being a bug are very good, if you know anything about our house. I have red marks all over myself from slapping. I saw a spider on my desk yesterday. He ran away before I could catch him, so I couldn't sleep all night. What if he crawls in my mouth? You ever wake up the next morning and just get that feeling like you swallowed a spider? They say that you will swallow an average of five spiders a year, I believe. Think about that shit. I'm not afraid of spiders or anything, I just don't really have a taste for them.

You know what I really hate? When they dress up a bunch of chimps as people and have them act out some kind of scene on tv. How dumb is that? Then they have some idiots do voiceovers for them, and when they're talking they're showing their teeth and just moving them up and down. Sometimes they'll have to rewind and play back the tape to get a repetitive action. Then you always have one monkey waving a frying pan over his head or something. And a monkey always ends up kissing somebody in there somewhere. I can't believe people actually waste their time doing that stuff. If you find it entertaining, please remove yourself from society.

I swear to god that every single student at Ohio University gets on the horn with somebody after they get out of class. It's almost like a reflex. Step through the door, get out the phone. I usually get mine out and pretend to call somebody just so I don't feel like an outcast. Problem is then I have to make up a conversation to have with nobody. It usually goes something like this: "Hey. How's it going? What are you doing? Do you have any money? Give it to me. I love ya. I love ya. I just wanted to say it." Have you ever accidentally hit a button with your face and then it calls somebody? So in the middle of the fake conversation you have to start a real conversation but make a smooth transition so nobody around you notices. "Hey. How's it going? What are you doing? Do you have any money? Uhh, oh . . . it's Brad. Um, no I don't really want money. I don't know. My bad." The real conversation ends up sounding more phony than the fake one.

Wanna wrassle?

While surfing OhioBobcats.com today, I stumbled upon the roster for the wrestling team. I gotta tell you, I've never seen such a handsome group of guys.

I may not be a very good wrestler, or student for that matter, but I did win the "roundest head" contest.

I suck at wrestling, but I make up for it with my extraordinary hearing.

Golly gee mister! That would be swell!

Academically ineligible? No way. Crack never hurt anybody.

Do you like my new hat?

I'm in the record books for largest dimples ever.

I may look like I was sucked dry by Dracula, but I'm an All-American.

Wait a second. I thought this was tryouts for the chess team.

Sports

As you may know, I am a big sports fan. But I am not a fan of just any sports. There are some sports I like, and some I don't like. I love basketball, and baseball, and football, and golf. But the Kentucky Derby is coming up on Saturday, and in honor of that I would like to focus your attention for a moment upon some "sports" that I find to be absolutely atrocious.

• Horse racing. I don't consider horse racing a sport. If an animal is the one that's actually doing the work, how is that a sport? So what the entirety of horse racing boils down to is which faggy, rich guy can train his horse to run the fastest and find the shrimpiest little guy to dress up in a costume and ride on him. Then race day comes and there's this huge buildup for hours leading up to the race. Then the race lasts about a minute and a half. One horse wins, trots around, the jockey gets some flowers, the owner and trainer hug their families, and I die a little inside. In addition to all this, all of these horses have such terrible names it's almost beyond belief. Seabiscuit - what the hell is that? Secretariat? Man-o-war? That's a freaking jellyfish. Here is a list of some of the past winners of the Kentucky Derby: Smarty Jones, Funny Cide, Fusaichi Pegasus, Real Quiet, Silver Charm, Thunder Gulch, Sea Hero, Lil E. Tee, Spend A Buck, Pleasant Colony, Tomy Lee, Tim Tam, Kill me. That last one wasn't a horse name. The only good horse name I've ever seen, other than my own creation (Glue If He Loses, which has never actually been applied to a horse as far as I know), was the 1929 Derby Winner, Clyde Van Dusen.
• NASCAR. By the same token as horse racing, this is not a sport. The machine is doing the work. Plus the races are extremely long and boring. How can anybody watch that. Round and round the track. And do I even have to mention the redneck factor? Every NASCAR driver is named Dale, Dick or Darryl. And where are all the black people?
• Soccer. This is the most boring sport in the history of the planet. Almost everybody who knows me knows how much I despise soccer. And in reality, I despise all people who like soccer as well. Worst. Sport. Ever. Plus, have you seen those red flags at the corners of the field? It's communist. Should I even go into the fans? Soccer hooligans. No sport has caused more riots or fan deaths than soccer. In fact, you could probably add up all the fan deaths caused by every other sport and they wouldn't come to within 10 percent of the total of soccer.
  
• Hockey. I've tried to like hockey. I really have. And I guess it's not really hockey that I don't like, but the National Hockey League, which has got to be the worst sports league in America. It's losing popularity as it is, but they're still gonna have a work stoppage and argue over a salary cap? Even if they do come back, the league will go under within 5 years. And nobody will care
• Quidditch. Harry Potter is a menace. There are video games. There are online quidditch leagues in which games take place in chatrooms, if you can believe that.
• Boxing. What is the point of boxing? Two guys beating the hell out of each other. Why? I understand that people like it. It's fun to watch people bleed. But who would ever want to do it? Hey George, why don't you get in the ring with that guy and punch him and try not to let him punch you. Ok!
• Professional Wrestling. Everybody knows it isn't a sport. It's an act. But the actors are SOOOOOO bad. I DON'T LIKE THE TONE OF YOUR VOICE, BOY. The storylines have gotten so ridiculous too. And people actually buy into this stuff. In my hometown, there is a show on public access called "Pro Wrestling Newz-N-Viewz," which has 3 middle-aged men (One of whom has the worst hairstyle I have ever seen. I don't know if it's a toupee or what, but it makes me gag looking at it.) who sit there and talk about wrestling. They are the most pathetic people I have ever seen. I will pay someone a dollar to email that guy and ask him what the deal with his hair is. By the way, this is the kind of thing that dwhit will be doing in 25 years.
• Volleyball. Sucks.
  

Reason for lack of updates

I know I haven't updated in a while, and I want to apologize to everyboy for that. You may have heard a lot of things from different people about the reason I haven't been updating, but I will clear it all up right now. I was all ready to make an update last weekend, but I just started to get a little jittery about the whole thing. I guess you could say I got cold feet. I decided I needed some time to just think about things--time to reflect and consider my situation. So I gathered up some cash and took off for New Mexico without telling anybody. I'm sorry. I know that caused a lot of problems for everybody. I just felt like I was under a lot of pressure to try to please everyone and I had to clear my head. I hope you'll take me back into your lives.