I'll see you in hell

Here is something I never understood. How can there be such a thing as "attempted suicide"? If you really want to kill yourself, you'll do it. It's my feeling that anybody who "tries" to kill himself and doesn't actually succeed in doing it never really wanted to in the first place and was just looking for attention. Because that is something for which people will DEFINITELY pay attention to you. They'll put you on suicide watch for that shit. Then you're boned, because you really won't be able to kill yourself but you'll wish you had. If you really want to kill yourself, you don't take too many Tylenols, or slit your wrists. That's pussy stuff, and when you do that any sensible person can clearly see it's fake. If you're gonna do something, do it right. There are plenty of foolproof methods of killing yourself:

1. Put a bullet in your head. If you survive that, you weren't meant to die anyway
2. Jump off of a bridge or tall building. Disclaimer: make sure it is high enough. The LAST thing you want is to break your neck but not die, and then be a damn quadriplegic for the rest of your life. Kevorkian is in jail, so good luck getting help killing yourself after that. You better hope that stem cell research is as good as they say it is. Just to be absolutely sure, you may want to make it an airplane you jump from. But if you do that, do NOT bring a parachute just in case you change your mind. Because you definitely will.
3. Get yourself a guillotine and put that bad boy to use. On yourself, of course. If you do this, you can take it to the bank. This method of suicide has the Ron Popeil Guarantee.
4. Chug an entire bottle of Everclear. If eight shots-worth did what it did to me, I think we can safely say that downing the whole bottle at once will be a definite way out. It's not guaranteed to be pleasant, but it should work nonetheless.
5. Sew your sphincter closed, and just start eating. What a way to go.
6. Jump into the pit of a campground outhouse. You will soon be overtaken by the noxious fumes and slip into sweet unconsciousness

These are just a few of the methods that have Brad's Seal of Approval. There are others out there that you can try that I'm sure will work. Be creative. The way you kill yourself is your last message to those of us who remain alive. It tells us what kind of a person you were. If you pop a few too many pills and are such a pussy that you actually to die from that, don't expect to see me at your funeral.