Reality TV

Here's the idea. It's a reality television program. It'll be a bunch of people living on an island, or in a house, or wherever. And they'll have to interact with each other and of course have one on one's with the camera. And they'll have to vote each other out of course, and eventually somebody wins. Sounds pretty familiar, right? Here's the catch. They're all retards. You can send me that Emmy whenever you get a chance. I realize that it may offend some people, but I believe that comedy is paramount to everything else, and this just might be the funniest show ever. And it will certainly get people talking. It would have to be the most-watched reality show of all time, right? I mean, even if you are offended, wouldn't you watch it anyway? How could you not? Besides, everyone's always saying that retarded people want to be treated just like everybody else, right? So, why can't they be on a reality tv show just like everybody else? "I am normah, just like you and me."

I can just see it now. Mikey sitting there talking to the camera--"Tommy took my appah. I don't like him." Can you imagine the retards talking bad about each other? I'm imagining how funny it was when that retard called me a retard, think about when they're calling each other retards. A funnier scenario I cannot envision. Oh man, I just had another great idea. Throw one non-retarded guy in there. He should probably be a really uptight, high -strung guy, maybe a former military man. Then watch him as he slowly goes insane. No contact with the outside world, or with any other humans with an IQ above 70. He starts wondering why they put him on the show with a bunch of retards. Is he actually a retard and just doesn't know it? Watch as his grip on reality slips away.

All we have to do now is come up with a name for the show. It's got to have a good name - one that highlights the retard factor, but also that it is a reality show. Maybe something like "Big Special Brother," or "Big Retarded Brother." Or if you want it on an island, maybe "Survivor: Isle of Tards."

This is just ridiculous

Ok. Come on. This can't be real. But it is. Some guy was caught spying on a teenage girl in an outhouse . . . FROM INSIDE THE TANK. That's right. He was hiding IN THE CRAP HOLE. Yes, along with a whole lot of human excrement. Kinda makes me wonder . . . . . . . . .

Gary Moody's Daily Planner

1. Get up
2. Brush teeth
3. Take a shower
4. Eat breakfast
5. Pick up a prescription
6. Get some groceries
7. Eat lunch
8. Head to the outhouse.
9. Crawl into the shit hole.
10. Watch random people evacuating their bowels and bladder.
    
11. Crawl out without anybody noticing.
12. Go home.
13. Hope nobody notices that I'm COVERED IN FECES.
14. Eat dinner.
15. Watch some television.
16. Go to bed.
17. Start again with step 1.

How can this guy ever show his face in public again? The police said that they "treated him as if he were hazardous material." They SHOULD have treated him as if he were a firing range target and just ridded the world of this guy on the spot.

In a way, this reminds me of the Kenyan Latrine Incident. But at least those guys were going after a cell phone.

Coming soon . . .

I apologize once again for the lack of updates. I'm in what one might call a "transitional phase" right now, but updates will be coming. Right now I am working on MY list of the top movie quotes of all time, seeing as everyone is talking about this AFI top 100 list lately. I'm going to go for 100 too, but who knows if I'll get that far. I'll post it when I finish.

You ARE too old

I recently viewed a list of things that you're "never too old to do." The list included things like "get skinny," "become a buff," and "habla espanol." All of those seem fine, I guess. At least they seem fine in comparison to these other ones that I have major problems with . . .

• Get a degree. There does come a point in your life when you are too old to get a degree. Generally speaking, if you're older than the professor, you're too old. If you're above 60 years old, and not TEACHING the class, I think it's time for your family to consider euthanasia. I'm 23 years old and I feel like I'm almost too old. For me, the sole purpose of the education process is to get that degree so I can get a somewhat lucrative job. The education really doesn't mean anything. But if you're like 60 years old, what are you going to use that degree for? Not dying? Come on. People place WAAAAY too much emphasis on the value of a college education. Sure, it may be worth a little bit, but when I see these people in some of my classes that look like they belong in a museum, and not a classroom, I just have to wonder what they are thinking. I guess when you're old, you get senile, and nothing you do really makes any sense anyway. College is supposed to put you on track for the rest of your life. When there is barely any of the rest of your life remaining, perhaps college is not the best option of a thing for you to do. Try knitting instead. Or whittling. Or play a nice game of chess with a partner in England through the mail. Or curse those damn kids and their skateboards.
• Have a kid. I have seen way too many stories recently about women having children in their 50s and 60s because of fertility treatments. This is quite distressing indeed. I don't know why anybody would want a kid in the first place. But if you really want one, I guess it's ok--but only until age 40. After that, any woman who even contemplates having a kid should have her head examined. Think about the kid. If you're 55 when you have a child, you're going to be well into your seventies, if you're still alive, by the time that child graduates high school, assuming he does graduate and doesn't drop out or kill himself by then because his mom is obscenely old. Chances are, you're gonna be dead by the time the kid is 25. I'm 23. My mom is 52. I can't even imagine what it would be like if she were 75 or 80. Pretty soon I would have to worry about taking her to the doctor or putting her in a nursing home. That's for people my mom's age to deal with. Not me. Plus, if you're mom is in her 50s or 60s when you're born, you're never gonna have a chance to have grandparents that will spoil you. That's what grandparents are for. Spoiling their grandchildren. It counteracts the effects of the tough love that your parents give you. So whether a woman can still be a good mother at an extremely old age, or whether she acts toward her child like a grandmother might, either way the kid is going to end up being unbalanced. It's like always eating vegetables, or always eating dessert, but never being able to have the other.
• Try Haggis. As far as I'm concerned, nobody should try haggis. It doesn't matter how old you are. I'll admit I've never tried it, and I never intend to. If you don't know what it is, you don't want to know. But I'll tell you anyway. It's a Scottish dish whose primary ingredients are heart, liver and lungs of a sheep, along with suet, oatmeal, onions and spices, and is boiled in the stomach of the animal. Sounds delightful, but no thanks. My parents always made me eat foods that I didn't like as a child. They said I would LEARN to like them. But guess what. I didn't. The only thing I like now that I didn't used to like is mustard, and that's ONLY in conjunction with ketchup. I still don't like tomatoes, Chinese food, squash, asparagus, coffee, yams and many other foods. Why keep eating a food if I don't like it? Who cares if I actually will develop a taste for it eventually? Why put myself through that torture in the meantime? There are plenty of foods out there for anybody. Stick with the ones you know and like. Broadening your horizons, as far as I'm concerned, does not apply to food. If you keep trying more and more foods, yes you probably will like some of them, but you'll also end up as big as a house.

Stop making fun of me

I like making fun of people. It can be an enjoyable and zesty part of life. But there are a few rules that I believe we should all abide by when making fun of people. Only the lowest, most immature or uncaring individuals would dare break these rules. They are:

1. You can say anything you want about someone if you are certain it will never get back to them. This generally applies to people that you don't know. It's tough to say anything you want about someone you know because, chances are, they're going to find out that you said it eventually. I'm talking about celebrities, or people you see on tv or on the street that you just have to say something about. This means that you CAN make fun of that really fat guy at the restaurant. You CAN make fun of that smelly bum on the corner. And you CAN make fun of Donatella Versace or David Gest for looking so weird. You just have to be sure that they're never going to hear about it, or at the very least that they'll never find out it was you who said something like "Man, that David Gest looks an awful lot like a reconstructed Uday Hussein."
2. You should never make fun of people (to their face) for things that actually do apply to them. For example, you should never call a gay person a fag, or make fun of a fat guy for being fat. However, it is perfectly ok to refer to one of your straight friends as a homo. In the same vein, it is quite all right to call a svelte buddy, "you enormous fat-ass." An exception to this rule would be calling someone a bastard. You can call anybody a bastard--even a bastard.
   
3. If someone is unnecessarily mean to you, then you can be the same to them. Say for example, you're incredibly obese, and someone starts making fun of your weight. It is at this time that it's appropriate to bring out the heavy artillery. Give 'em a little, "oh yeah, well you're an ass-ramming, uncle-fucking, shit-eating cocksucker." If that doesn't work, try another, similar series of insults, and follow it up with a "plus, you're stupid."
4. Retards have total immunity in this matter. You should not make fun of a retard. Not even behind his back. I don't care if he called you a name. He has enough hardship in his life to deal with. Retards are the only group with such immunity. And I know, it can be tough because they're such easy targets, but chances are they won't be able to grasp the full scope, or lighthearted nature of your insult anyway. And you can't make fun of a retard for ANYTHING. You can't even say, "Hey Mikey, what's with that shirt? Did you get dressed in the dark this morning or is your fashion sense just that bad?" Technically, you're not making fun of him for anything having to do with his disability - only his taste in clothing (or more likely, his mother's). But don't do it. The ONLY exception to this rule is in regard to other retards. A retard may say anything he wants to another retard. Indeed, a retard may say anything he wants to anybody.
   

The rain in Spain stays mainly on the plain.

As you may or may not know, my last name is Boehm. And as you also may or may not know, I don't like it. That name has caused me many a problem throughout the years. Firstly, I don't think anyone has ever pronounced it correctly the first time--not my teachers in school, or people calling on the phone. Nobody. It's pronounced with a long A sound, like "bame." But that is never anybody's first guess. Oh, I used to hear it from the other kids in school all the time. They'd make fun of my name, mispronouncing it on purpose. They'd call me Brad Bome, or Brad Beehom, or Brad Bo-um, or Brad Bo-hem. I mean, I can't really say that I blame them too much. Come on. How does B-O-E-H-M sound like bame? I don't know. It's German. That's all I know. I don't speak German. I don't want to speak German.

The other major problem I had with that name growing up was that, as a youngster learning to read and spell and write, Boehm proved to be problematic. I knew my last name was spelled B-O-E-H-M. And I knew how it was pronounced. So, naturally, I assumed that the combination of the letters O, E and H was the correct way to spell for the sound that they made in my name in ANY WORD. I can still remember my second grade spelling be . . .
teacher: Ok, Brad, the word is CANE.
me: Cane. C-O-E-H-N. Cane.
bell: DING
me: DAMN IT!
teacher: I'm sorry, Brad. The correct spelling is C-A-N-E.
me: A? What the fuck is A?

Dare to be stupid?

As we all know, and as I've said before, there are a lot of stupid people in the world. I mean a lot. A lot lot. What surprises me is the number of dumb people who are willing to freely show of their lack of intelligence. It happened all throughout high school and college. In nearly ever class, you'll get one of these people, almost always a female, who never understands ANYTHING and has to ask a question every two minutes because the teacher is going too fast or the material is confusing or something like that. "Wait a second. I don't get it. What did you mean by that?" Then half the time they won't get the explanation either. But nothing deters them from continuing to ask questions. Why is it always a girl? I'm not saying that guys are smarter. I guess what I'm saying is that guys are more conscious about the image that they portray to other people. At least that's what I've gathered from the evidence presented to me. Obviously this isn't a hard and fast rule. There's the occasional guy who doesn't understand stuff and asks too many questions. And I'm sure there are girls who choose to go on being confused rather than show off their incomprehension. I guess I look at it this way: it's better to be dumb in private than to be dumb in public. You're only dumb if people know you're dumb. It's like the old saying, "if a tree falls in the forest and nobody hears it, does it make a sound?" The answer is, no it doesn't make a sound. It makes sound waves, but if those waves are not perceived by a device, such as an ear, that can process them, they are not converted into sound. It's the same thing with stupidity. You may be stupid, but stupidity is simply the perception of other people of your lack of intelligence. So if you don't show them that you're dumb, you're not dumb. I guess what I'm saying is, don't feed the machine. But maybe some dumb people are just too dumb to understand that.

Eat the crust

If you don't eat the crust, I have no respect for you. I'm especially talking about pizza, because I think there are way too many people out there who do that. Whenever I see a plate with just pizza crust on it, veins in my head start to pop out. There are also some people who eat their sandwiches without crust. I submit that each of these people has some kind of neural disorder that has yet to be discovered. Since I'm the first one, as far as I know, to suggest that such a condition exists, I would like to name it. It shall be called "gigantocuntism." I also suggest that treatment will include removal of the gonads, since they're not being used anyway. Seriously, can you be a bigger pussy than a guy who doesn't eat the crust of his sandwich? The answer is no. You cannot.

Another subject that is a bit touchy with me is the pronunciation of the word "sherbet." It would seem that many of you would like to pronouce the word as if there were an additional "r" in there. It's not sherbert. It's sherbet. What amazes me is that the sheer number of people who mispronounce this word is enormous. It would seem that a vast majority of people, at least of the ones that I've actually discussed the subject with, pronounce it "sherbert." Many of them will realize their mistake and change their pronunciation of the word after I correct them, but some INSIST that the word is pronounced like "sherbert," regardless of how it is spelled. Apparently this is the opposite of a silent letter in a word. Rather than a letter in a word that isn't pronounced, it's a pronunciation in a word for which there is no letter. Makes sense. This is why I have lost faith in the human race. People are much, much dumber than I used to think they were.