Sunday, February 27, 2005

Huey Lewis

Read this webpage. It's hilarious.

http://www.angelfire.com/wrestling/notactuallywrestling/huey.html

Saturday, February 26, 2005

State of the House

With the recent rash of "State of the (blank)" speeches given by everyone from political leaders, to business executives, to local dirtbags, I have decided that I will be holding my first annual "State of the House" address this Sunday in the kitchen. I will be discussing the issues that we have been dealing with in the past year at our humble establishment here on First Street, from pervading aromas, to aquatic difficulties, to Fat Man's Bluff, as well as the house's outlook for the future, from prospective dwellers to our pending application for tax exempt status as one of Athens County's historic landmarks. A reception will be held immediately following the speech in Luke's Room. Milk and carrot sticks will be served and a good time will be had by all in attendance. Tickets to the event will be $500 a pair, which includes admission, refreshments, and Dan Pittman acting as your slave for a day. Being a house, of course, we have a limited capacity, so reserve your tickets today. And if you find that you are unable to attend, donations are also accepted. We appreciate your generosity and your interest in the betterment of 46 First Street.

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

before i die

Before I die, I am determined to . . .
  • Do the "penis in the popcorn" trick.
  • Go out into the back yard, and have a friend throw my old compact discs into the air so I can shoot them with a shotgun.
  • Tell someone that "the jig is up."
  • Watch a bum fight.
  • Participate in a bum fight.
  • Lay some busters down with my strap.
  • Kill Aaron Carter, Discovery Jones, Jared from Subway, and any living relatives of the guy who invented chopsticks.
  • Acquire at least one bionic appendage.
  • Sell my soul to the devil (perhaps in exchange for a bionic appendage).
  • Form an REO Speedwagon tribute band.
  • Assure that the epitaph on my tombstone reads "HERE LIES BRAD . . . EH, HE WAS A DICK."
  • Invent the fartalyzer test as a new way to determine blood-alcohol content.
  • Visit the Hundred Acre Woods.
  • Eat at least one person.
  • Coach the Arizona Cardinals to the Super Bowl and win.
  • Play Russian Roulette.
  • Pee off the top of a skyscraper.
  • Become a hired goon.
  • Gain Chinese citizenship.
  • Become the first Chinese-American Supreme Court Chief Justice.
  • Invent the name "Jimothy."
  • Establish a Task Force.
  • Try lobster.
  • Achieve a sustained fusion reaction.
  • Coin the term "monkify," meaning "to transform into a monkey." Or a monk I guess.
  • Taste something that is magically delicious, not including Lucky Charms.
  • Fly through a strange tunnel with many floating clocks all around that all say a different time on them.

attack them next

Recently, a two year-old girl was ordered to marry a 42 year old man by a tribal council in Pakistan, because her UNCLE allegedly had an affair with the man's wife. Oh, and by the way, the two men are cousins. Well, I think you can all guess what my take on this situation is. That's right: DON'T JUDGE THEM! YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND THEIR CULTURE! YOU HAVE NO FRAME OF REFERENCE TO CALL THEM IMMORAL, OR INSANE, OR REALLY, REALLY, REALLY STUPID!

Being tolerant of another way of life is fine, but there's a line between having a different culture and just being ignorant and retarded, and these Pakistanis have crossed it. I think it's time George W. called for a Pak-Attack. Don't you?

Surgeons Remove Baby's Second Head

"Surgeons in Egypt have successfully removed the second head from a 10-month baby girl who suffered from craniopagus parasiticus, one of the rarest birth defects, reports Reuters. The child, Manar Maged, was born with two heads. The second head was a conjoined twin connected at the skull, who developed inside the womb without a body. While the second head was capable of smiling and blinking, it did not have independent life."

Do I really need to say anything else? No. But I will. HOW COULD THE SECOND HEAD SMILE AND BLINK???????????? That was all the explanation they gave in the story. Capable of smiling and blinking, but did not have independent life. Man, I would kill to have two heads. I don't mean one of those two-headed monsters where they're both independent personalities that happen to have the same body, like in Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Well, that guy actually had three heads, but no time for semantics. I want to have another head that can talk and see and everything. But I control it, so I could have conversations with myself. I do that anyway, only with a second head it wouldn't be quite as weird. "Shut up! No, you shut up!" They should have just left the baby's other head on. Then when she grew up they could have found her a boyfriend with two penises. "Bitch, shut up and give me heads."

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

Come and get it at Ponderosa

Who: Brad, Pittman, Kirby and Megan

What: a trip to the Ponderosa Steakhouse

Where: Athens, Ohio

When: last saturday

Why: Kirby and Brad thought it would be a good idea

Idea quality: extremely poor

What happened:
  1. Kirby finds an extra spoon wrapped up in his napkin. Only this spoon looks as if it is something Grandma Maude brought in from home. Kirby eats with it anyway.
  2. The adjacent table fills up with twice as many people as it is designed for. The baby, of course, has the most room.
  3. Kirby is brought a dinner platter with his meal on it. Only half of his meal is missing. "Whoops," said the waitress. "Did you have fries with that?" Indeed he did. "I forgot to put them on the plate."
  4. When her meal arrives, Megan is informed that the restaurant is "out of" baked potatoes. She is instead handed a coupon good for 20% off her next meal. Brad theorizes about a restaurant that never actually serves food, only coupons for following meals. Megan asks for fries instead of a baked potato. The waitress obliges and brings out some things resembling fries that appear to have been sitting out for several days. Kirby claims he "likes them that way." Kirby procedes to pick out one french fry from Megan's bowl and say, "this is the one I'm after." Kirby eats the fry. It is the only time during the meal that any of the diners get what they wanted.
  5. The waitress returns to the table several times to ask how everything is. Pittman and Brad sit expressionless as their food has yet to be delivered. Brad wonders if he exists, or if he has somehow turned invisible, or if he has died and gone to hell.
  6. They run out of plates at the buffet. Several patrons lord over the plate shelf like vultures, waiting for a dish to pounce on. Every once in a while an employee places one plate on the shelf, and a lucky patron is able to grab it and fill it with subpar foods.
  7. Brad finally acquires a plate, and heads to the salad bar. Brad becomes stuck behind a mysterious old woman who fills her plate with absolutely every topping available. By the time she returns to her seat, her plate is heaping with at least six inches of her own special mix, called hundred-ingredient salad.
  8. While at the salad bar, Kirby overhears an employee say that they're missing a steak and a steak tips meal, the exact meals that Pittman and Brad have been waiting for.
  9. Finally the final two meals arrive to the table. Both plates feature baked potatoes. A puzzled Megan inquires with the waitress, who claims she was caught in between potato cycles, and while Pittman and Brad were forced to wait what seemed like an eternity for their meals, Megan was served hers with a partial explanation and a coupon. By Ponderosa logic, several times a day patrons are informed that the restaurant is "out of" baked potatoes with no further explanation.
  10. Each of the three baked potatoes at the table are underdone. Perhaps they were cooked with an automobile cigarette lighter.
  11. Brad's steak was supposed to be cooked medium. It looks quite delicious--that is, until he cuts into it, revealing a deep, royal purple. It would seem that this cow was not quite dead.
  12. Kirby goes for dessert. He brings back what would appear to be some loose feces on a plate. Brad, in turn, sees it and decides he would like to try this "butt pie." It is, indeed, the best part of his meal. But then again, it was really the only part of his meal
  13. The group leaves a combined tip in the neighborhood of three dollars. They all die a little inside from the experience.

Girl, 12, accused of strangling sister, 9

A 12-year-old girl is accused of killing her 9-year-old sister in a dispute over a hamburger.

I don't know why, but I laughed for about two hours when I read this. Hopefully you will too. I bet it was an Angus from Burger King. I'd kill MY sister for an Angus. MacGyver's first name was is Angus in the show. But that's not where they got the name for the burger. At least I don't think. But if I had to name the Angus, that's what I'd name it after. Hey, remember the movie Angus with that fat kid? I think that's what it was called. At least that was the kid's name in the movie. There was another kid in the movie too. Might have been the kid who played Shermanator in American Pie. Not sure though. Anyway, hamburger murder is bad.

Also, recently I read that a baby that survived three abortion attempts is now two months old and doing quite well. THREE ATTEMPTS???? Firstly, who is the quack who is attempting these abortions? Must be Dr. Nick Riviera. Secondly, if a baby is to a stage of development where it can actually survive an abortion, it PROBABLY shouldn't have been tried in the first place. But what do I know?

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

Fidel Castro

Recently, Fidel Castro referred to George W. Bush as "deranged." These things also happened recently:
  • Paris Hilton called Pamela Anderson a whore
  • Anna Nicole Smith called Jim Thome stupid
  • Kirstie Alley called Tom Arnold fat
  • O.J. called Robert Blake a murderer
  • Gary Condit called the Ramseys liars
  • A French guy called another French guy spineless
  • Dan Whitmyer called Mr. Mackey big-headed
  • Vin Diesel called Paul Walker a bad actor
  • Vin Diesel called Willem Dafoe weird looking
  • Vin Diesel said Kyle Gass's name wasn't actually a name, but rather an automotive fuel

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

Special Ops Cody

So . . . this is what it's come to. A few Iraqi rebels may have taken the title of King of the Douchebags away from Juan Manuel Alvarez (train guy). It seems these Einsteins decided it would be a good idea to capture an American soldier. Except they were either too stupid or too lazy to actually do it. So, of course, they did the next best thing. They captured Special Ops Cody. Good thinking, eh? Well, there's slight problem. Special Ops Cody is a doll. That's right, a doll. I'll tell you boys, that's top notch insurgency right there. So they've got this doll, and they sit him down against a wall, and take one of his little plastic toy guns, aim it at his head and take a picture. Then they published it, and threatened to behead Cody if their demands were not met in 72 hours. That is some big-time leverage they've got there. Needless to say, it took the American government about two seconds to determine that it was a doll and not a soldier. The way I see it, they really went about this the wrong way. What they should have done was had one of the rebels stand next to Cody in the picture with his foot overtop of him. Then they should have threatened to STOMP the soldier if their demands were not met. Ahh . . . I can see the headlines now. GIANT IRAQI REBELS CAPTURE SOLDIER. Or HUNDRED FOOT INSURGENT THREATENS CRUSHING. Really though, it's not those peons fault entirely. Their boss DID tell them to capture a G. I. I guess they just took that to mean G. I. Joe.