CHRISTMAS TIME IS HERE!

God damn, I hate Christmas. Everybody knows it. I don't really feel like explaining why I hate it so much, because it just puts me in a bad mood. But what I will do is talk about the one thing I like about it. Yes, that's right, there is one fantastic aspect of Christmas that people seem not to notice. But if you do, it can really brighten up your day. I'm not talking about Christmas spirit, or togetherness, or getting presents, or any of that crap. What am I talking about? Commercials.

I love commercials around Christmas time - either on the radio or on TV. They're all fantastic. Why? Because every company tries to promote its product or service as though it would be the PERFECT Christmas gift. Hell, they'll tell you to buy one for everybody on your list! The funny part is that most of the crap they're selling would make an absolutely terrible gift. But it's impossible to promote a product around Christmas time without claiming it would be a great gift because that's all people are interested in buying. I've heard and seen commercials claiming that these, among other things, would make great gifts for everybody on your list: Cars, cellular phones (you gonna pay my bill too, buddy?), and INSURANCE POLICIES (the gift that keeps on taking). You could also name a star after everybody on your list. A more worthless gift I cannot imagine. At least give me an asteroid or something, so that way maybe one day something carrying my name could be responsible for destroying the world.

Anyway, the only thing that I really haven't heard advertised as being a great Christmas gift are these CD sets that rich guys sell telling you all their money-making secrets. You've heard the commercials on the radio. "I teach you all of my secrets to financial success." Then you have a couple people say how the system worked for them. So this is my idea for next year: sell my own "Secrets to Wealth" CD set. It will have 6 different CDs and it will sell for $100. And it will be the PERFECT Christmas gift. You should buy one for everybody on your list. On each CD there will be only one track. Pop in the first CD and hear my voice say. "What is my secret to wealth? Selling these CDs to losers like you." That's it. Then the next CD will say, "What you thought I was joking?" Then the next one will say, "Nope, wasn't joking." Then the next one will say, "Come on that's funny." Then, "Sure, I bilked you out of $100, but can you really put a price on a good laugh?" Then the last one will say, "I can. $100. HAHAHAHAHA."