Carson Daly

There are a lot of people who are on television. Some of them deserve to be there, and some of them don't. But how do the ones that don't belong end up on TV anyway? Well, the answer is simple. Sucking dicks. That has to be it, because it is the only explanation I can come up with that can show why Carson Daly, and people of his ilk (including one Mr. David Holmes, whom I had previously complained about) get to have shows on television. Think about it. What does Carson Daly really bring to the table? Is he funny? No. Is he sharp and quick-witted? No. Is he entertaining at all? NO! Is he boring? Quite. He is a no-talent hack. He is a bum. He is a bum with a television show for no apparent reason. Folks who host late night television shows are supposed to have redeeming, entertaining qualities that make people want to watch - you know, charisma, sense of humor, and those such things. Letterman, Leno, O'Brien, Ferguson, Kimmel, Stewart - they all have talent. They have qualities about them that make people interested. Carson Daly does not. He is bland. He's vanilla. Hell, he's not even vanilla. He's flavorless. He's tap water. Yet he has his own television program.

I urge you people. Watch his show a couple times. See if you can find anything entertaining at all that was actually something of Carson's doing. You won't. Because there isn't anything. I would rather watch Nancy and Jan filling paint tubes or vacuum-saving strawberries on an infomercial than watch Daly's show. Hence, I come to my conclusion. He's a dick-sucker. He's in some gay executive's pants and that keeps him on the air. So, if there are any serial killers out there, or anyone who's thinking about becoming a murderer, or anybody who just feels really motivated by my complaints, please add "Kill Carson Daly" to your to-do list. Thank you. Goodnight now.

channel flipping

I'm sure this has happened to all of us. You're sitting alone one evening, flipping through the channels to find something to watch. Eventually, you come across one of those "I'll watch it if it's on" movies on TBS or some similar channel. It's a halfway decent movie, but nothing too special. Say, for example, Speed. So you're sitting there watching it for, oh, ten minutes or so, starting to get into it, and you see that it's going to commercial. You think to yourself, "That's fine, it'll be back on in a couple minutes." But, OH NO. It's NOT going to commercial. It's going to some goddamn television studio. Oh shit--it's your worst nightmare. Dave Holmes walks out onto your television screen. Yes, the same Dave Holmes who was too much of a dork even for that channel of losers, MTV (which is the second worst channel on television, next to VH1, but that's a story for another entry). He begins to explain how they accomplished the stunts in the subway scene, and you begin to bawl uncontrollably. This is the worst thing that could possibly happened, short of seeing RuPaul. You think to yourself, "Why?? Why must they do this to me?" You would rather put your testicles in a vise than listen to Dave Holmes speak (or the equivalent pain if you're a female, whatever that may be).

Is there anybody on the PLANET that would rather watch this movie with Dave Holmes butting in every ten minutes to explain some stupid crap about the movie you don't care about and he knows nothing about? Is there anybody out there who says "Oh damn, I gotta watch that Dave Holmes Interruption movie tonight. Normally I wouldn't watch it, but that Dave Holmes is so interesting and insightful, and he's not a huge dork at all."

This is not a knock on Dave Holmes. Well, yes it is. But it is more a knock on television stations that find it necessary to insert hosts and stupid gimmicks into otherwise-fine movies to make them nearly unbearable. There are other such shows, like Dinner and a Movie, or Makeover and a Movie, etc. etc. etc. They all make you contemplate suicide. Memo to TBS and every other channel that does this shit: the movies are better without your garbage. If that crap actually improved the movie, they would put it in the theatrical release. I can't imagine Movie Voiceover Guy ever doing a trailer that sounds like this: "From Director John Singleton - On the streets of Los Angeles, crime is a way of life. Murder happens everyday. But after the drive-by shooting of his son, one man is fighting back. And he is fighting any way he can. And while he is, another man is teaching you how to make a southwestern omelet. Wesley Snipes. Ice Cube. Dave Holmes. COME GET YA OMELET. Rated R. Starts Friday at theaters everywhere."

I'm back, baby

I'm back. This is my first post in well over a month. Why have I been gone? Well, I haven't really been busy, as I am still jobless. I've officially crossed the hazy line between "taking a break" and "unemployed." I am now a bum, living in my parents' basement. That said, I should have had plenty of time to write blog entries. In addition to that, I have had plenty of ideas. I think of things and say, "wow, that would make a great blog entry." I do stand-up comedy routines in my head, and ad-lib as I go along, to hilarious effect - in my own mind, anyway. But I don't write any of it on here. Why? Because it just seems like a waste of time, frankly. I mean, nobody reads this. My readership has dwindled significantly, unless a whole lot of people are reading and not commenting at all. So I ask of you, if you read this, comment so I know whether to go on or not. I mean, what's the point of relaying all this great material to you if YOU is just the vacuum of the internet. But even at this blog's peak, I had maybe 10 people reading it. And I just feel like it's worth more than that. There are a lot of blogs on the internet waaaay worse than this one that get a lot more readership. But I don't have the time, nor the inclination to go to the ends of the earth to try to get people to read my blog. Maybe I just think it's a lot better than it really is. I was hoping it would spread like a chain reaction from friends to friends, and I would have a few dozen readers by now. But it just hasn't happened. Either that, or they are the quietest readers ever. I mean, I get that there might be a dud entry every now and again, but I think the overall quality of my work is quite good. Better than yours at least. And it is only because I believe in myself that I will renew my efforts and continue on with this blog, for now at least.

That said, I have some thoughts on things.

Normally when a stand-up comedian comes onto the stage, he might ask how the audience is. "How's everybody doing tonight?!" And the audience responds with applause. But the way I see it is, that's not really an answer to the question. So one day I want to go to a comedy club and do the following: when the comedian asks, "How's everybody doing tonight?" I want to stand up and yell, "WELL, NOT TOO GOOD, (INSERT COMEDIAN'S NAME HERE). LAST NIGHT I POPPED A BLOOD VESSEL IN MY HEAD TRYING TO FORCE OUT A HUGE DUMP. PLUS LAST WEEK I WAS DIAGNOSED WITH TESTICULAR CANCER."

Testicular cancer. That's gotta suck. Having a testicle removed. Eww. I can think of about 286 parts of my body I would rather lose than my balls - including several lobes of the brain. Hell, just give me one hand and my cock 'n' balls and I'll be fine, you know what I'm saying? I think all the guys that have had to have a ball removed should form a club - Tom Green, Lance Armstrong, John Kruk, all of them - and their logo should be a can of tennis balls with just one ball in it.