a model blog post

You've seen them, but you probably don't really think about them. But when you go into a store like Target, they're everywhere. Who are they? They're models, and they appear on posters and walls all throughout the store. They come in all different shapes, sizes, ages and colors - but they all have one thing in common: they're gigantic losers. Firstly, none of them are ever portrayed doing an activity that you would see anywhere in the real world. They're seen riding on shopping carts, kicking their legs out, or are shown as just a giant head, modeling no merchandise whatsoever but perhaps the collar of a shirt. Upon the top of one shelf in Target there is a picture of a young boy modeling a polo shirt, the collar of which is popped up. I want to strangle this boy. But alas, he is only a poster.

But even worse than the models who appear on posters in the store, are models who appear on products, such as pillow boxes, underwear, cleaning agents, and hair care products. But the biggest offender of all of these is a certain woman. She stands on a beach, a sweater tied around her neck, her wavy hair flowing in the wind. That's right, she's the woman who appears on a box of douche. In some states, that is an alternative to the death penalty for female convicts. "Ms. Morris, you have been convicted of four counts of murder in the first degree for drowning your children in the bathtub. As per the jury's recommendation, I hereby sentence you to death. You have the choice of death by the electric chair or lethal injection, or you can appear on a douche box." "I'll take the chair."

Will you open this for me?

Working in the stock room at Target, I get to have a look at nearly every product that comes through the store. And I gotta tell you, some of the stuff we sell is beyond ridiculous. But that, for once, is not Target's fault. Target only sells what people will buy. And the stuff people waste their money on is absolutely unbelievable. For example, we carry a handy litttle device called an automatic jar opener. That's right. It's an appliance that only has one use - opening jars. If you've ever spent money on an automatic jar opener, kill yourself. There's no way that anybody who's under 100 who should EVER have one of these devices. I don't care if you're a retard - the machine has got to be more complicated than the jar. And I don't care if you have arthritis - takes some goddamn Advil and suck it up. It's just a jar. You should be donating that money to charity if you're just going to throw it away like that. And who are these people that are opening so many jars that getting an automated device is worthwhile? What even comes in jars? Pickles, and that's pretty much it. So unless you're wolfing down about 10 jars of gherkins a day, get a life. So, the only people I can think of that would really buy an automatic jar opener are those buying them as gifts. But I can tell you this right now: if I ever, EVER got an automatic jar opener as a gift, I would throw it right back into the face the person who gave it to me, and I would say, "Luke, you are a goddamn moron!"

Also, how many different kinds of laundry detergent do there really need to be? I don't mean different brands, I mean different varieties of the same brand. I mean, there has got to be like twenty different types of Tide. But what pisses me off even more than that is all the different products there are to freshen the smell of the air in your home. I mean, was there ever a bigger waste of time? WHO BUYS THIS SHIT???? I know you've seen the commercials all over the television, but you have to be around this crap every day to truly appreciate how stupid it is. There are about 200,000,000 different products to make your house smell like something it's not supposed to. How about this Scent Stories thing? Have you seen this? It's this big electronic device that you put scent "discs" into, and it "plays" different smells. It has got to be the stupidest product on the market. How about you don't smear shit all over the walls of your house? I think that would be more effective in keeping it smelling nice. How are you supposed to explain that thing away to your guests? "Hey, Judy, what is this big thing taking up your entire end table?" "Oh, Bonnie, that's just my Scent Stories player. It's like a stereo, but it plays smells instead of music. One minute I'm frolicking a field of fresh flowers, the next I'm swirling and twirling through fresh laundry hanging on the clothesline in the back yard, and the next I'm standing next to the window where mom's apple pie is cooling on the ledge." "Uh, Judy . . . I'm out of here, you crazy bitch." So, in conclusion, to any of you who may be reading this, next time you go to the store, make sure a product is not the stupidest goddamn thing you've ever seen before you purchase it.

driving in my car

Some thoughts I had while driving home from the new year's celebration:

If I can't see my headlights reflecting in the back of your car when I'm behind you, your car is too damn dirty. Get a freakin' car wash. This is where my invention, the electronic bumper sticker, would come in very handy. Pass them, pull in front of them, and program your bumper sticker to say "CAR NEEDS A WASH."

Hey, remember that time I was driving and we were next to that van with the family in it, and the woman in the passenger's seat had her feet up on the dashboard so I put my foot up on the dashboard too, then she flicked me off and she had a car full of kids? Remember that? Man that was awesome. How about that time we were stuck at that stop light in Lancaster and we were across from Long John Silver's and I asked that kid who was walking in to bring me a hush puppy? That was awesome, too.

When I'm driving in my car down the highway, I just can't keep my finger out of my nose. Even when the mine has been tapped dry, I just start picking away at the walls. There's nothing I can do. You ever try to pick your nose and drive with the same hand? It's pretty tough. You gotta put your face way up by the steering wheel, then when you wanna turn you have to move your whole head, and if you have to make a really sharp turn you could end up upside-down, pressing the pedals with your other hand and navigating by your ass.

I better die before all my friends do. What if I live till I'm like 90 or 100? That would suck. Then that means I would have had to go to all of my friends' funerals. Hell, there's probably a 5 to 10 year period in there where I'd be going to funerals at least once a month. Then when I die last, there will be nobody at my funeral who I actually knew when I was "alive," or at least when I was the good part of alive. Do you know how much work it would be to go to all those funerals? I mean, damn, I'm not made of money. Yeah, I need to die first - all my friends will have to come to MY funeral. You get chauffeured around the whole time, then everybody comes to see you - you don't have to move a damn inch. I mean, if I die when I'm 100, who's gonna give my eulogy? My nursing home attendant? Give me a break. Even if I had kids, which I won't, they're probably all dead already anyway.

When are they finally gonna have these automated highways like they've been talking about for years? I have things to do when I'm in the car, and driving makes them really hard. Do you have any idea how hard it is to drive and bite your toenails at the same time? Very. You know what else would be a good idea? A seat with a built-in toilet.