Sunday, July 24, 2005

Body Massage

The Goonies would be a lot better with some nudity.

Kentucky Fried Chicken is really sort of a lie, because if it was all fried in Kentucky, it would take quite a while to get the chicken to restaurants in Alaska, and it probably wouldn't taste too good by the time it got there.

OREO Speedwagon would be a great name for a band.

People look at you funny when you order "half a pound of human" at the deli.

I really really really wish I had a peg leg.

If I could buy the world a Coke . . . . . . . everyone would only get like a five hundred millionth of an ounce. Plus by the time it got passed around to everyone, it would probably be pretty flat.

Kimmy Gibbler is one ugly skank. I'd like to jab her eye out with my peg leg.

Friday, July 22, 2005

Kids do the darndest things

"PADUCAH, Ky. (AP) - The youngest Kentucky child to be charged with murder in decades likely will receive counseling and therapy in a setting away from a state juvenile jail, experts say. The 7-year-old boy is charged with killing his mother's boyfriend on June 27."

This whole story has really gotten me choked up. But that's not because a man was murdered. It's because I am just now realizing that I completely wasted my childhood. If only someone had told me when I was 5 that I couldn't be tried as an adult and that the only punishment I would get would be some counesling sessions or mental therapy, I would have been going through the hills on a killing spree, I'll tell you what. It would have been the funniest killing spree ever, I think. I would have worn some dress clothes, and nice shoes, and combed my hair really nice. I would have looked like it was picture day at school. And I would have carried around my Transformers lunch box. And when I happened upon a suitable target, I would have struck up a conversation with them. Eventually, the following exchange would take place:

Me: Do you like my lunch box? It's Transformers.
Target: Yeah, kid. That's a cool lunch box.
Me: Wanna know what I'm having for lunch?
Target: Sure, kid.
Me: [opening box to reveal gun] You, bitch.

Click, click, boom.

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

I shall call you . . . EDUARDO.

Some people are gay. But why are they gay? Some say it's a choice. Others say it's for genetic reasons. Still others say that it's a product of their environments. Well, I don't claim to know all the answers. But I am here to offer at least a partial explanation. If you're gay, there's a good chance that it's at least partially your parents' fault. How? It's not because of the way they treated you, or because your mom accidentally bought you culottes and made you wear them when you were a kid because she thought they were shorts. And it's not because of all those bananas and bomb pops they made you eat. It's because of the name they gave you. That's right. I'm a firm believer that a name can carry great weight when it comes to determining sexual orientation. For example, if your parents name you Chris, you're probably quite a well-adjusted person. But if your parents named you Kris, with a K, that might cause your life to be somewhat altered. When parents take the liberty of adjusting the spelling of an otherwise normal name, they may unwittingly be wreaking havoc on that child's future. At age 15, Kris writes in his diary (because Kris needs a diary, and yes a diary, not a journal): "Dear Diary, I've been going through some issues lately. Why, oh, why did my parents name me Kris with a K? I don't understand it. How could they do something like that to me? On a COMPLETELY UNRELATED note, I brought my new "friend" home from school today to meet mother. His name is Robbi with an i. He's on the soccer team. Today in gym, I accidentally hit him in the butt with a ball and the teacher made me hold an ice pack on there until the swelling went down. It didn't go down for a loooong time . . . ." You see, parents? That name can make all the difference. There are certain names that you just need to stay away from. Another example would be the name Brayden. Come on, folks. If you name your kid Brayden, you may as well as name him Gay-den. You know what I'm saying? Just watch what you're doing, parents. Unless you want your kid to turn out gay . . . not that there's anything wrong with that.

Saturday, July 16, 2005

What you can buy with $25

"PITTSBURGH (AP) - A T-ball coach allegedly paid one of his players $25 to hurt an 8-year-old mentally disabled teammate so he wouldn't have to put the boy in the game, police said Friday."

Hmm . . . This is the first time I've ever seen anything about a children's sports coach doing anything inappropriate at all. Ordinarily, those coaches and parents are extremely well behaved, right? There have never been any incidents involving adult misbehavior at a kids' sporting event that I can recall hearing about.

Coach, coach coach. Come on now. Didn't you read my rules about making fun of retarded people. And if you're not allowed to make fun of them, you're sure as hell not allowed to injure them, or pay off a "hit boy" to do it either. And you had him hit him in the head and in the groin? The head, ok, that's one thing. He's dumb already, probably not gonna make much difference there. That's kinda like pissing in the ocean. Ain't gonna make much of a splash. But the groin? Come on, coach. That's all this kid has left. What if you ruined his chances of ever becoming one of those retarded fathers they sometimes show on daytime talk shows - you know, the ones who always hug their children just a little bit too long.

You know, I don't blame that kid who actually threw the ball at the retard at all. That coach gave him $25 to do it! Hell, when I was eight years old, I would have done pretty much anything for that much money. Do you know how many baseball cards you could buy with that kind of cash? Shit, I would have sat on his head and farted until he passed out. Hey, I'm just a kid. I don't know any better. I'm blinded by Andrew Jackson and Abraham Lincoln dancing around in my head.

Friday, July 15, 2005

You're a wizard, Harry.

As much as I hate to promote other people's material, as mine is generally superior, I must point your attention toward this dandy by Jim Caple from ESPN.com's Page 2. He has "acquired a copy" of the newest Harry Potter book before its release, and shares a passage with us. Hilarious stuff.

Frankly my dear, AFI's list sucks.

So here it is. Finally. THE list. The Top 100 Movie Quotes of All Time According to Brad. Before I begin with the quotes, I offer you some insight as to the qualifications for making the list. Firstly, I have to have seen the movie. I've seen a lot of movies, but I'm not a movie buff, or a film critic, or anything like that. Most of them are too much of a waste of time (and this blog isn't?). So chances are there are some good quotes out there that I just am not aware of, and for that I apologize. Secondly, I am not limiting the quotes to one line, or one character. If necessary, it may be a dialogue, or a speech. I could shorten some of the longer ones, but I want you to understand the context for most of them. Of course, with some of them I won't be able to give you the context, so unless you've seen the movie, you probably won't get it. But if you haven't seen any of these movies, you should watch them anyway. Thirdly, there is no specific genre of movie I'm focusing on, although it'll be clear that most of the quotes on the list come from comedy movies. I think that when AFI released their list, comedies were significantly underrepresented. The best quotes are the ones that evoke the biggest responses from the viewer, and in my book there's no better response than laughter. Also, these are not necessarily the typical quotes that you might hear people say from these movies, but the typical ones are not always the best ones. This is a list of the BEST quotes, not the most repeated or anything like that. Lastly, I want you to understand the many hours of free time I gave up to make this list. So you sure as hell better read it. Thank you. Here's the list.

THE TOP 100 MOVIE QUOTES OF ALL TIME (ACCORDING TO BRAD)

101. (This quote actually belongs higher up on the list, but I completely forgot about it when I made the list, so I just added it at the end because it's way too much of a pain in the ass to change all the numbers. But consider this in the 15-20 range.) "Tastes funny . . . tastes like paint . . . and wood." - Mr. Wilson
(Dennis the Menace)

100. "Mr Kimble! Mr. Kimble! I have to go to the bathroom and I can't get these things off." - Emma
(Kindergarten Cop)

99. "What would Brian Boitano do?" - The South Park kids
(South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut)

98. Joseph Dunn: Do you think you could beat up Bruce Lee?
David Dunn: No, Joseph.
Joseph Dunn: Even if he wasn't allowed to kick, and you were really mad at him?
(Unbreakable)

97. "KHAAAAAAAAN!" - Captain James T. Kirk
(Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan)

96. Ricky Fitts: Excuse me for speaking so bluntly, sir, but those fags make me want to puke my fucking guts out.
Col. Frank Fitts: . . . Well, me too son. Me too.
(American Beauty)

95. "You have a toit body. Yesh, I see that from your toit pants. Yesh, you are toit like a toiger!." - Goldmember
(Austin Powers in Goldmember)

94."I'd like to share a revelation that I've had during my time here. It came to me when I tried to classify your species. I realized that you're not actually mammals. Every mammal on this planet instinctively develops a natural equilibrium with the surrounding environment, but you humans do not. You move to an area, and you multiply, and multiply, until every natural resource is consumed. The only way you can survive is to spread to another area. There is another organism on this planet that follows the same pattern. A virus. Human beings are a disease, a cancer of this planet, you are a plague, and we are the cure." - Agent Smith
(The Matrix)

93. "Shomer Shabbos." - Walter Sobchak
(The Big Lebowski)

92. "Hello John. Hello John. Hello John. Hello John. Hello John. Hello John. Hello John. Hello John. Hello John." - John Hammond
(Jurassic Park)

91. "I have to admit, you know, I did the fair bit of masturbating when I was younger. I used to call it stroking the salami, yeah, you know, pounding the old pud. I never did it with baked goods, but you know your uncle Mort, he pets the one-eyed snaked 5-6 times a day." - Jim's Dad
(American Pie)

90."You shoot me in a dream, you better wake up and apologize." - Mr. White
(Reservoir Dogs)

89. "Great googa-mooga!" - Harry Block
(Evolution)

88. "Oh man, I shot Marvin in the face!" - Vincent Vega
(Pulp Fiction)

87. "A toll is a toll, and a roll is a roll, and if we don't get no tolls, then we don't eat no rolls." - Little John
(Robin Hood: Men in Tights)

86. "You have the ring, and I see your Schwartz is as big as mine." - Dark Helmet
(Spaceballs)

85. "Bingo." - Frank Drebin
(The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad!)

84. "Gambling is illegal at Bushwood, sir, and I NEVER slice." - Judge Smails
(Caddyshack)

83. Paul Smecker: What are you doing?
Hojo: I just wanted to cuddle.
Paul Smecker: Cuddle? What a fag.
(The Boondock Saints)

82. Chief Grady: Ah, waiter. I will have the enchilada platter with two tacos and no guacamoles. Mike?
Officer Smy: Yeah, chief, I'll have a CHINCHILLA!
(Super Troopers)

81."We were just talking about our ability to move forward in time." - Rudy Mackenzie
(The Jacket)


80. "Mom says we're moving to Boston." - Max
(Liar, Liar)

79. "Easy, peasy, Japanesey." - Brooks
(The Shawshank Redemption)

78. "May I have ten thousand marbles, please?" - Flounder
(Animal House)

77. "Everything. OK! I'll talk! In third grade, I cheated on my history exam. In fourth grade, I stole my uncle Max's toupee and I glued it on my face when I was Moses in my Hebrew School play. In fifth grade, I knocked my sister Edie down the stairs and I blamed it on the dog . . . When my mom sent me to the summer camp for fat kids and then they served lunch I got nuts and I pigged out and they kicked me out . . . But the worst thing I ever done - I mixed a pot of fake puke at home and then I went to this movie theater, hid the puke in my jacket, climbed up to the balcony and then, t-t-then, I made a noise like this: hua-hua-hua-huaaaaaaa - and then I dumped it over the side, all over the people in the audience. And then, this was horrible, all the people started getting sick and throwing up all over each other. I never felt so bad in my entire life." - Chunk
(The Goonies)

76. "Well, what if there is no tomorrow? There wasn't one today!" - Phil Connors
(Groundhog Day)

75. "Excuse me while I whip this out." - Bart
(Blazing Saddles)

74. "And the Lord spake, saying, "First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it." - Brother Maynard's Brother
(Monty Python and the Holy Grail)

73. "Son, we live in a world that has walls, and those walls have to be guarded by men with guns. Whose gonna do it? You? You, Lt. Weinberg? I have a greater responsibility than you could possibly fathom. You weep for Santiago, and you curse the marines. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know. That Santiago's death, while tragic, probably saved lives. And that my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives. You don't want the truth because deep down in places you don't talk about at parties, you want me on that wall, you need me on that wall. We use words like honor, code, loyalty. We use these words as the backbone of a life spent defending something. You use them as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very freedom that I provide, then questions the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said thank you, and went on your way, Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a weapon, and stand a post. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you are entitled to. " - Col. Nathan Jessep
(A Few Good Men)

72. "My name is Master Chief Billy Sunday. There was a preacher by the same name who cleaned up Chicago of all the whoring spics, drunken wops and motherfucking niggers that was making that place unfit for decent white folks to live. The only difference between me and that old preacher is that he worked for God, and I AM God!" - Master Chief Billy Sunday
(Men of Honor)

71. "Also, Dude, Chinaman is not the preferred nomenclature. Asian-American, please." - Walter Sobchak
(The Big Lebowski)

70. "What the fuck is the internet?" - Jay
(Jay and Silet Bob Strike Back)

69. "Is this some sort of radical new therapy?" - Bob Wiley
(What About Bob?)

68. Dr. Lester: I'm afraid I have to trust Floris on that one. You see, she's got her doctorate in speech impedimentology from Case Western. I apologize if you can't understand a word I'm saying.
Craig Schwartz: No, I understand perfectly.
Dr. Lester: Well, it's very kind of you to lie. You see, I've been very lonely in my isolated tower of indecipherable speech.
(Being John Malkovich)

67. "Old McDonald had a farm, ee i ee i oh. And on that farm he shot some guys. Bada boom bada bing bang boom." - Michael McManus
(The Usual Suspects)

66.Yakavetta: I'm having a shitty day. I'm depressed. Tell me a funny joke.
Rocco: Now? A joke? Uh . . . um . . . a joke, yeah, all right. There's these three guys, uh, a spic, a white guy, and a black guy.
Yakavetta: Nigger.
Rocco: Yeah, uh, yeah. And they're walking along the beach and they see this pot, and they rub it, and a genie comes out. The genie says, "You can wish for anything you want." So he asks the Mexican what he wants, and he goes "I want all my people in America to be happy and free, and in Mexico." So the genie goes poof. And all the spics are in Mexico. And then asks the black guy. . .
Lapazzi: Nigger.
Rocco: Yeah, that's what I said, goes to the the, uh, nigger, says, "What do you want?" and he goes, "I want all my African- my nigger brothers to be back in Africa, and happy and everything." So the genie goes poof. And all the niggers in America are in Africa. And uh, uh. I'm not funny today, I know, I'm having a hard day. This joke sucks, I know...
Yakavetta: . . . . . . Continue the joke.
Rocco: So the genie says to the white guy, um, "What's your one wish?" And the white guy goes, "you mean to tell me that all the niggers and spics are out of America?" The genie goes yeah, he says well, uh, "I'll have a Coke, then."
(The Boondock Saints)

65. Drill Seargent: GUUUUMP! What's your sole purpose in this army???!!!
Forrest Gump: To do whatever you tell me, Drill Sergeant!
Drill Seargeant: GODDAMNIT GUMP! You're a goddamn genius! That's the most outstanding answer I've ever heard! You must have a goddamn IQ of 160! You are goddamn gifted, Private Gump!
(Forrest Gump)

64. Frank Drebin: Saaaay . . . Nice beaver.
Jane Spencer: Thanks, I just had it stuffed.
(The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad!)

63. "King illegal forest to pig wild kill in it a is!" - Mervin, the Sheriff of Rottingham
(Robin Hood: Men in Tights)

62. "Shut the fuck up, Donny." - Walter Sobchak
(The Big Lebowski)

61. Jerry: Great gift, dad!
Fletcher: Thanks, son.
(Liar, Liar)

60. "Mr. Madison, what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul." - The Principal
(Billy Madison)

59. "Where's your shitter??? I've got a turtle-head poking out." - Fat Bastard
(Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me)

58. "Mary, I desperately want to make love to a schoolboy." - Lloyd Christmas
(Dumb and Dumber)

57.Crash Davis: Relax, all right? Don't try to strike everybody out. Strikeouts are boring. Besides that, they're fascist. Throw some ground balls - it's more democratic.
Nuke LaLoosh: [to himself] What's this guy know about pitching? If he's so good how come he's been in the minors for the last ten years? If he's so good how come Annie wants me instead of him?
Crash Davis: Oh, hey, and another thing, Meat. You don't know shit, all right? If you wanna make it to the bigs, you'll listen to me. Annie only wants you so she can boss you around, got it? So relax! Let's have some fun out here! This game's fun, OK? Fun goddamnit. And don't hold the ball so hard, OK? It's an egg. Hold it like an egg.
(Bull Durham)

56. "Do you see any Teletubbies in here? Do you see a slender plastic tag clipped to my shirt with my name printed on it? Do you see a little Asian child with a blank expression on his face sitting outside on a mechanical helicopter that shakes when you put quarters in it? No? Well, that's what you see at a toy store. And you must think you're in a toy store, because you're here shopping for an infant named Jeb." - Elijah Price
(Unbreakable)

55. "God creates dinosaurs. God destroys dinosaurs. God creates man. Man destroys God. Man creates dinosaurs." - Dr. Ian Malcolm
(Jurassic Park)

54. "Steeeeeeeriiiiiiiiike threeeeeeeheeeeheeeeeeheeeeee!" - Frank Drebin
(The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad!)

53. "See if you can guess what I am now? . . . I'm a zit! Get it?" - Bluto
(Animal House)

52. "Get busy livin', or get busy dyin'." - Andy Dufresne
(The Shawshank Redemption)

51. Farva: Do you know what this is?
Rabbit: A chamois cloth?
Farva: Hah. Lucky guess. I just lost a buck . . . to myself.
(Super Troopers)

50. Lotte: I've decided that I'm a transsexual. I know, it's the craziest thing, Craig!
Craig: What, are you fucking nuts?
Lotte: No, it's just that for the first time, everything just felt right. I've got to make sure. But if the feeling is still there, I'm going to talk to Dr. Feldman about sexual reassignment surgery.
Craig: This is absurd! Besides, Feldman is an allergist. If you're going to do something, do it right!! . . . It's just a phase. It's the thrill of seeing through somebody else's eyes, ok? It'll pass.
Lotte: Don't stand in the way of my actualization as a man!
(Being John Malkovich)

49. "Is this a fake hang-up? It's a fake hang-up." - Bob Wiley
(What About Bob?)

48. Achoo: Hey, Blinkin.
Blinkin: Did you say Abe Lincoln?
Achoo: No I did not say Abe Lincoln, I said hey Blinkin.
(Robin Hood: Men in Tights)

47. The Dude: Walter, ya know, its Smokey, so his foot slipped over the line a little, big deal.
Walter Sobchak: Dude, this is a league game, the winner of this gets to progress into the next round robin. Am I wrong? Am I wrong?
Smokey: Yeah but I wasn't over.
Walter Sobchak: [pulls out a gun] Smokey you are about to enter a world of pain.
Smokey: Yeah but . . .
Walter Sobchak: A world of pain.
Smokey: Dude, could you . . .
The Dude: Jesus, Walter, you bring a fucking gun bowling?!
Walter Sobchak: Has the whole world gone crazy? Am I the only one who pays attention to the rules any more?
Smokey: Yeah but . . .
Walter Sobchak: You think I'm fucking around?! I'm not fucking around!
[points gun in Smokey's face]
Walter Sobchak: Mark it zero! Fucking mark it zero.
The Dude: They're calling the cops, man.
Smokey: All right, its fucking zero. Are you happy now, you crazy fuck?
Walter Sobchak: . . . Its a league game Smokey.
(The Big Lebowski)

46. "We got a gopher." - Samuel Gerard
(The Fugitive)

45. "I know kung fu." - Neo
(The Matrix)

44. "No no no, I'm going to leave them alone and not actually witness them dying, I'm just gonna assume it all went to plan. What?" - Dr. Evil
(Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery)

43. "A census taker once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti. Ffft ffft ffft ffft." - Dr. Hannibal Lecter
(The Silence of the Lambs)

42.Tom Smykowski: It's a "Jump . . . to Conclusions Mat". You see, you have this mat, with different CONCLUSIONS written on it that you could JUMP TO.
Michael Bolton: That is the worst idea I've ever heard.
Samir: Yes, this is horrible, this idea.
(Office Space)

41. "I don't know why he saved my life. Maybe in those last moments he loved life more than he ever had before. Not just his life - anybody's life, my life. All he'd wanted were the same answers the rest of us want. Where did I come from? Where am I going? How long have I got? All I could do was sit there and watch him die." - Rick Deckard
(Blade Runner)

40. Ty Webb: This your place, Carl?
Carl Spackler: Yeah, what do you think?
Ty Webb: It's really . . . really awful.
(Caddyshack)

39. "Are you suggesting that I killed my wife? Are you saying that I crushed her skull and that I shot her? How dare you. When I came home, there was a man in my house. I fought with this man. He had a mechanical arm. You find this man. You find this man." - Dr. Richard Kimble
(The Fugitive)

38. "Violet, you're turning violet, Violet!" - Sam Beauregarde
(Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory)

37. Craig: My name's Craig Schwartz and I have an interview with Dr. Lester.
Floris: Oh, please have a seat, Mr. Juarez.
Craig: Schwartz.
Floris: Pardon?
Craig: Schwartz.
Floris: I'm sorry, I have no idea what you're saying to me right now.
Craig: My name is Schwartz.
Floris: My name is Warts?
[a short time later]
Floris: Mr. Juarez?
Craig: . . . Oh, yes?
Floris: Chest?!
Craig: I said "yes".
Floris: You suggest what? I'm sorry, I have no time for piddling
suggestions from mumbling job applicants.
(Being John Malkovich)

36. "Tic-Tac, sir?" - Lloyd Christmas
(Dumb and Dumber)

35. "Would you like a shmoke and a pancake?" - Goldmember
(Austin Powers in Goldmember)

34. Frank Drebin: It's the same old story. Boy finds girl, boy loses girl, girl finds boy, boy forgets girl, boy remembers girl, girl dies in a tragic blimp accident over the Orange Bowl on New Year's Day.
Jane Spencer: Goodyear?
Frank Drebin: No, the worst.
(The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad!)

33. "Is it dead?" - David Della Rocco
(The Boondock Saints)

32. "Alright . . . diving." - Bob Wiley
(What About Bob?)

31. "You hear that, Mr. Anderson? That is the sound of inevitability. It is the sound of your death. Goodbye, Mr. Anderson." - Agent Smith
(The Matrix)

30. "Nobody fucks with the Jesus." - Jesus Quintana
(The Big Lebowski)

29. "I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries." - French Knight
(Monty Python and the Holy Grail)

28. "Hey you guys!" - Sloth
(The Goonies)

27. "Ah . . . dessert. Chilled monkey brains." - dinner guest
(Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom)

26. "He chose . . . poorly." - The Grail Knight
(Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade)

25. "Oh, Master Robin! You've lost your arms in battle! . . . But you grew some nice boobs!" - Blinkin
(Robin Hood: Men in Tights)

24. "I don't want a largefarva, I want a goddamn literacola." - Rod Farva
(Super Troopers)

23. "The Count of Monte Crisco by Alexandre . . . Dumb-ass. DUMBASS." - Heywood
(The Shawshank Redemption)

22. "The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist." - Verbal Kint
(The Usual Suspects)

21. "And . . . I made him talk, sort of." - Craig Schwartz
(Being John Malkovich)

20. "You may run like Mays, but you hit like shit." - Lou Brown
(Major League)

19. "GETOUTTATHECAR!" - Dr. Leo Marvin
(What About Bob?)

18. "Does Aunt Jenny have a barn? Maybe we can hold the trial there. I can sew the costumes. Maybe his Uncle Goober can be the judge." - Daniel Kaffee
(A Few Good Men)

17. "Do you want to know what IT is?" - Morpheus
(The Matrix)

16. "Why make trillions when we could make . . . billions?" - Dr. Evil
(Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me)

15. "There's a monster outside my room, can I have a glass of water?" - Bo Hess
(Signs)

14. Lloyd Christmas: Excuse me, Flo . . . What's the soup du jour?
Waitress: It's the "soup of the day."
Lloyd Christmas: Mmm, that sounds good. I'll have that.
(Dumb and Dumber)

13. Bubba: You ever been on a real shrimp boat?
Forrest Gump: No, but I been on a real big boat.
(Forrest Gump)

12. "Like a midget at a urinal, I was going to have to stay on my toes." - Frank Drebin
(The Naked Gun 33 1/3: The Final Insult)

11. "We can't stop. It's too dangerous. We have to slow down first." - Colonel Sanders
(Spaceballs)

10. "What in the wide, wide world of sports is going on here? I hired you people to try to get a little track laid, not to jump around like a bunch of Kansas City faggots." - Taggart
(Blazing Saddles)

9. "Do you see what happens, Larry? Do you see what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass?" - Walter Sobchak
(The Big Lebowski)

8. Richard Kimble: I didn't kill my wife!
Samuel Gerard: I don't care!
(The Fugitive)

7. "It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again." - Jame Gumb
(The Silence of the Lambs)

6. "Ray, people will come Ray. They'll come to Iowa for reasons they can't even fathom. They'll turn up your driveway not knowing for sure why they're doing it. They'll arrive at your door as innocent as children, longing for the past. Of course, we won't mind if you look around, you'll say. It's only $20 per person. They'll pass over the money without even thinking about it: for it is money they have and peace they lack. And they'll walk out to the bleachers; sit in shirtsleeves on a perfect afternoon. They'll find they have reserved seats somewhere along one of the baselines, where they sat when they were children and cheered their heroes. And they'll watch the game and it'll be as if they dipped themselves in magic waters. The memories will be so thick they'll have to brush them away from their faces. People will come Ray. The one constant through all the years, Ray, has been baseball. America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers. It has been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt and erased again. But baseball has marked the time. This field, this game: it's a part of our past, Ray. It reminds of us of all that once was good and it could be again. Oh... people will come Ray. People will most definitely come." - Terence Mann
(Field of Dreams)

5. "Shut your fat ass, Rayvie! I can't buy a pack of smokes without runnin' into nine guys you've fucked!" - David Della Rocco
(The Boondock Saints)

4. Thug: Drebin?!
Frank Drebin: Yeah!
Thug: I got a message for you from Vincent Ludwig! Take that you son of a bitch! [fires multiple rounds at Drebin while yelling]
Frank Drebin: I can't hear you! Don't fire the gun while you're talking!
(The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad!)

3. "So I jump ship in Hong Kong, and I make my way over to Tibet, and I get on as a looper at a course over there in the Himalayas. A looper, you know, a caddy, a looper, a jock. So I tell ‘em I’m a pro jock, and who do you think they give me? The Dalai Lama himself. Twelfth son of the Lama. The flowing robes, the grace, bald—striking. So I’m on the first tee with him, I give him the driver. He hauls of and whacks one—big hitter, the Lama, long—into a 10,000 foot crevice right at the base of this glacier. Do you know what the Lama says? Gunga galunga. Gunga—gunga lagunga. So we finish 18 and he’s gonna stiff me. And I say, “Hey, Lama! Hey! How ‘bout a little something, you know, for the effort, you know?” And he says, “Oh, uh, there won’t be any money. But when you die, on your death bed, you will receive total consciousness.” So I got that going for me, which is nice." - Carl Spackler
(Caddyshack)

2. Bob Slydell: What would you say . . . you DO here?
Tom Smykowski: Well, look, I already told you. I deal with the goddamn customers so the engineers don't have to. I have people skills! I am good at dealing with people! Can't you understand that?! What the hell is wrong with you people?!
(Office Space)

1. "No ticket." - Indiana Jones
(Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade)

Monday, July 11, 2005

4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . and switch

Are you ever flipping around the dial and you come across one of these ridiculous exercise shows? They're on FitTV all day long, unless they're playing either the show with the fat guy cooking low carb food, or the strong guy cooking healthy food who is the worst television host ever and couldn't explain his way out of a wet paper bag. Anyway, on these exercise shows, you'll usually have three to five fit-looking people doing aerobic exercises synchronously, maybe bouncing off of some kind of step-like device which could easily be replaced by a large book or a block of wood and the exercise would be the same and you would save about fifty bucks on that damn step. And the person in the front is always the leader, and he or she will tell everybody else what to do, sometimes using crazy exercise lingo that only gym-heads understand, talking to the home viewing audience from time to time, giving them words of encouragement. And you can almost always hear something like this at least a couple times during one of those shows: "Ok eight more. 1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . You're doing great! Keep it up! 7 and stop." Trust me exercise person when I say that the people at home are not doing great. They're all laughing at you. A wonderful career choice you've made. What I want to know is, are there really people out there that watch this stuff and try to do the exercises along with them? Is it a spur-of-the-moment thing or is it planned out? Is some woman at home flipping around the channels and comes across this show and says, "Hey, this looks good. I think I'll try it." Then she throws off her shoes and has at it. Or is it more of a regular habit. She's out with her friends when suddenly she realizes what time it is. "Oh no!" she says. "I gotta get home. My favorite show is on soon. I never miss a Bodyshaping. That Gilad is a great encourager." I find it hard to believe that there really are people out there watching that stuff for a reason other than to make fun of it. But I guess there must be. But you know those people look nothing like the people that are exercising on the show. The people at home are fat slobs. No truly fit person would be caught dead exercising to one of those shows. That's why I think that on each one of those shows they should have some fat goof jumping around in the background, trying to keep up with the leader, and being unsuccessful at doing so. Not only would that give those poor chubs at home better self esteem from seeing someone more like themselves try to do the exercises rather than focusing on these unrealistically ideal-looking people, but it would attract a vast new audience of people like me who enjoy laughing at fat people trying to do aerobics.

Friday, July 01, 2005

Kenny Rogers

So I've been hearing about this Kenny Rogers fiasco for the last few days. In case you didn't hear, Rogers (a pitcher for the Texas Rangers) was being videotaped by a news cameraman before a recent game, apparently against his wishes, and attacked two cameramen, throwing (or trying to throw) their cameras to the ground, and causing one of them, Larry Rodriguez, to go to the hospital. The Gambler was fined $50,000 and suspended for 20 days, pending appeal. Seems fair enough. Or so I thought . . . until I got a close-up look at Mr. Rodriguez while he was being interviewed on television. I've got to tell you, he may be the homeliest person I have ever seen. Literally, the first thing I said when I saw this guy was "OH MY GOD!" If James Carville and a rat had a child, his name would be Larry Rodriguez. I tried to find a good picture of him online but couldn't. That's probably good for your sake, because you don't want to see this guy anyway. You wouldn't be able to sleep at night. Anyway, seeing old Lar has really put things into perspective for me. It's clear to me now that Rogers was not going after him because of the camera, but because he was so damn ugly. And who can blame him? I say that Major League Baseball should drop the suspension and fine. Why? Well, who wouldn't attack such a man? I would. To be perfectly clear, yes, I am saying that it is ok to assault somebody based on physical hideousness. I mean come on, there should be a limit on what we're forced to take. Beyond that, and it should be open season, as far as I'm concerned.